Last post of 2011

Twelve. It's a weird number.

This will be a shifting turning sort of year for me. All establishing is twisting. I only see what the dawn will show grey indistinct things looming a head. They are a going around. There is no stopping the arbitrary passage.

All is well

All things will be well

121911

good bey
I'll miss the warmth of your eyes
I know you were only interested
 in how mine reflected you at yourself
I'm sad I know this
I want love
you stupid creature
love

tomorrow I'll let the phone die
even if you want back
there will be silence
a space to think in
 to hear the rotten of your thought

love me half as much as you love the sound of your own name
is that too much
be interested in me as I have been in you
is that a burden

blind me with your attention
no one else will
no one else will

there now
 it's been said.

blatanly bleary

I saw the phantom person again
it's that kind of life

Nonconformist Streak

Viking,

You caught me off guard a bit with your persistent desire to know me better. I practice a different philosophy regarding personal information than the people around us. I'm not hiding anything it's just I've come to believe that I will know what I need to know exactly when I need to know it. I don't have to seek out information people tend to tell me things without my solicitation all the time. Therefore I don't feel the need to present organized packets of information about myself. Besides I find myself to be boring and why would I subject you to mundane petty routine things?

If it's really that important to you to know me better there's plenty of information out already that you can read starting with my resume. But to expect me to hand you a story? That I refuse to do. It's my nonconformist streak that forbids it.

Obviously saying, "so, tell me about yourself" will get you no where. So, ask better questions you'll get better answers.

120111

I'm sure they’re on the edge of their seats waiting to see how I will explain what happened to them tonight. I don’t feel compelled to do it. Not in the way they most desire. There was a series of events that, in my mind, started the Sunday before. It was all par for this course and nothing truly horrific happened. Only we live with the consequences of others decisions it’s just how life is.

But if I’m to be completely honest it really started much earlier than Sunday. It started in an attitude that sprang up early in each of our lives. I see it clearly because I’m a natural observer. I have lived outside their norm my entire life. They like me best when they have my attention because they are selfish. Don’t worry I’m selfish too. The difference is I don’t use that as an excuse to be lazy I’m disciplined about it. 

Now I might confuse them into thinking I’m some wonderful amazing controlled person. I don’t consider myself to be that. It was a long ongoing process to get to this point. I had help. It’s hard to explain.

UftPM Required Rading

That sucked. That cruise sucked. I don't want to go all Mother Bear on you but seriouslly? Profesionalism people! I know other companies encourage chaos bellow deck but not here and not on this ship. It's too dangerous it's the Monster for a reason. To purposly distract yourself and the rest of us in the manner you did was bad. I shudder to think if THEY had seen what I saw...

You know I'm all for levety and a good time but it can't interfear with my job. What if I were so selfish as to hide things from you for my own amusement? Wouldn't I be fired for that? Have you done any better today?

You think because there was a  small audience it dosen't matter. You're wrong. The audience is the reason you're emploied in the first place. Your job is to entertain them not yourselves. And this brings up an interesting point. Not all of you had a good time with the game. In fact half of you were uncomfortable with it. Don't lie I saw it in your eyes. You went along because why? Some fear of not being cool? All that does is make you feel crappy because you aren't being true to yourself and that's not cool.

I love you. For that reason I can't allow you to be unprofessional. I can't see the return of chaos it's bad for the soul. When you are bad to each other, when you get undisciplined, when you overstep professional boundaries you make my job harder. So do me a favor and be better people.

Not Really the one Under Attack

After much thought and being caught without words, though I know what I ought to say, I sit to write this. It’s the only way I can think of to clearly say what I feel losing as little meaning as possible. In my experience when something is written the reader takes time to understand it but when it’s spoken it slips away.

Many times below deck Dark Star has asked me how I stay calm despite the chaos and anger. I have never given her a complete answer because it isn’t one secret thing that can be told in a sentence or it is but it takes forever to explain. Honestly, I don’t handle it. That is my secret. Someone else handles it.

I’m free to let the darts go because I’m not really the one under attack. They are miserable and lash out in a feral manor because they are wounded not because we did or said anything. I can see how hard it is to be immersed in their environment clearly seeing the damage but unable to do anything to stop it.

Harmony is a better place to live.

Acknowledging the limited role we can play in this scene is essential to surviving it. Learning our own faults and humbly asking for forgiveness is the first step toward harmony. Not holding the attacks in but letting them free in acts of kindness and mindfulness are ways we avoid being deeply wounded ourselves. By abdicating the burden to someone else and refusing to be ruled by feelings I no longer live in the hating place. It is Christ in me who is wounded and acts.

You can experience this too but the training is brutal. Life will never be simple but you will come to do and survive more than you thought possible because the burden will not be yours.

The problem I have with Vanity is that I don’t know how to be kind to her. The rest of you are more transparent to me. I know what attentions I need to pay to you. But she is isolated in a mind foreign to me; that I’ve been slow to figure out. Clearly, if this ship is to cruise forever, I must learn what kindness is to her.

It’s occurred to me that Smurfet stopped enjoying work around the time Vanity came. Watching that dynamic, their mutual jealousy, is sickening. That is the worst relationship in the room. My prescription would be for one to shut up and listen and the other to fight for herself. But these are things out of my control.

When the crisis comes I pray that I can speak my mind in love. I want to be the first on the scene. I don’t think Mother Bear understands the conflict in the same light that I do and it would be very different to have me yelling instead of her. We’re sort of used to that.

Sleep well friends I’ll see you on the morrow.

Invitation

Jon was doubtful about this years prospects. The last three years had brought nothing fresh and so with a sence of particular resignation he turned to his usual recourse in low times but felt it heavy and not entierly to the point. He was rich in labor but not in company. He took a perverce pride in working more and sleeping less than anyone else and would most likely die of a heart attack with nothing better than a paycheck and unfinished business to recomend him. The most any would say, if it occured to them, would be that he worked hard. Maybe some would lament that he didn't have a family to attend him and check his headlong charge tword death. For all stress illness is a seacret wish to die.

As stated above, Jon was doubtful about this year's prospects. For Jon there wasn't enough grace or time. His recourse was there on the table. It wasn't wiskey or wine, women or song. Although the last would have been the most profitable. He was an indifferent singer. No, too busy for pleasur, his recourse was a list. A dangerous list of all the things he couldn't do because he worked. There was a positive things side and a negative things side. He used this list to comfort himself by exaggerating the negative building it up to a rediculus extent until it put him in the way of panic.

Panic, he almost enjoyed being in a strong panic. His body hated him for it.

His neighbor Cornelius was in the yard projecting poetry again. Something about the water cycle. It was distracting. Cornelius didn't desrve to be so loud he didn't work as much as Jon. That's when he roared as loud as he could. But his voice was weak so it only hurt him and didn't even reach Cornelius who had moved on to how the economy was broken and oporaited like sausage or some nonsense. Cornelius was a groundskeeper for the city. Cornelius was rich in company and comfortable in labor. Work was another way to enjoy life.

The little emotional cork screw Jon entered blindly seven months ago began the day the intern was observed teaching a junior partner a dance move in the hall. They weren't working. This angered Jon. He never questioned why he was angry until this very moment when he knew he was unheard. The intern had moved on. The junior partner did about what was expected and business continued though not as brilliantly as he'd like. The owners seemed resonably satisfied. That should've been good enough.

What did he want anyway? At one point in his life he had expected to marry. Marage would be a social accomplishment. He liked accomplishments. No attractive woman had come into his life. He had no time to hunt one up himself. He thought about dating services but never got around to trying one. Dates take time, he didn't think he could work that into his already impacted schedule.

His sister had some advice about scheduling but he didn't trust her judgement since she moved to Seatle and her accomplishments were things he couldn't understand, like baking and knitting. How was that important? Well, on ferther anlysis baking was useful.

Maybe he was angry because he faild to be happy. He didn't have the slightest idea what that meant. Failure was easy to comprihend but happiness was a fuzzy idea. It seemed wonderful but rarely happened and he suspected that anyone who claimed to be happy was lieing. He always lied when he claimed it.

His thoughts were interupted by a knock at the front door and Cornelius' voice bellowing, "Hey neighboor Jon! come out.We're cooking out. I got some hotdogs an' Squirt got us some beer." Jon wanted to give himself a concussion. Cornelius was a bother, no matter how many times Jon had regected him and even insulted him Cornelius wouldn't leave him be. What was he to do? All atempts to hint or abuse or ignor meant nothing. "Look, I can feel you in there beeing all serious." Cornelius was saying, "But if you don't come out" Jon couldn't take it any more. "What, if I don't come out what?" he said on opening the door. And for the first time in five years he actually looked into Cornelius' eyes. They were deep and full and compationate and Jon was terribly self consious and paniced in a way he never expected. Those eyes scared him. Those eyes loved him?

Dude, you're trippin', he thought. Part of him wanted to run like hella out, away. A deeper part wanted to melt down and cry to sleep. Cornelius solomly handed him a beer. Squirt hollered from thier stoop that the coals were hot. "Come on." Cornelius urged. In a dream, in a state of shock Jon crossed thier yards with a can of cheap beer not even bothering to lock his door.

Fortune Cookie

Those of you who were at where I was at tonight will know the context of the cookie. I got a fortune cookie today. Inside was two slips of paper. They both said the same thing. "You have a deep interest in all that is artistic". Um, what? That's like running around and telling people they must like shoes. The vast majority of us would say we are interested in art and would consider this interest deep.

Maybe, I have more than a deep interst in art. What if I have deep interests in all things artistic? Business interests and personal interests and social interest and political, religious, bilogical, recriational, and practical. Fortune cookies are jokes. Invented by enterprising restauranteurs to make us eat bland stale cookies. They hold one power, the power of self dilution. If you see through it it makes you laugh if not you continue in the delusion. It's simple and well crafted.

Never forget this.

Scheduling

Why is my life so congested now?

I need to do a reading for a play I wrote. Mainly because I NEED you people to experience it and talk about it. There's no way this fabulous event can occur until some time next year...

I really want to visit some friends. But I have something every night until some time next year.

I would also like to do a spa day because I need a brake. Hm, maybe some time next year?
___

Thank you for letting me complain publicly. If you want to help be extra kind to everyone don't get on your high pony when I ask you to do something and please remember that I have no power I'm only a messenger and you really ought not shoot me. I don't tell you things just to make you mad. I tell you things because it's my crappy job to do that. Trust me I'd rather watch you make a fool of yourself than correct you at this point. It's more entertaining.

On the other had go ahead and get uppity just don't be surprised if a fall out laughing. Of course you will be surprised and take it all personal. How do I know that? Duh, I watch you up close for a living. But at least I know I sort of warned you (in writing even).

UftPM

Sssso, it fascinates me that the week I'm not at my physical best I get a load of crap dripped on me like Chinese water torture. It's okay this sort of thing makes me "strong" and stuff like that.

Vanity, vanity all is vanity. Quite frankly I felt like I was talking to a cockatoo. No, I did not say quite what I wanted to because we couldn't get past the "but I'm not getting my hearts desire" thing. (Le *sigh)

FaGyver, You keep saying you want to scuttle the ship but you know they'd just build a new one. That new one would have the same discipline issues. Not saying things won't change just saying the only thing you can really change is your own attitude.

Perfection

Viking asked me tonight what would make a cruise perfect. I have no ready answer. Perhaps I've stopped caring about perfection.

Perfection was a nice thing to think about at one point but the more I found I didn't know it the less I cared to force it's existence the closer I've come to meeting it without trying too hard. That's the thing once something gets analyzed and it's parts are stripped out for science it no longer hold the wonder it once did. The life of it is gone. I don't need to understand. I just experience.

Tonight's cruise was pretty good. All things considered. It ranks among the successful voyages. I am satisfied.

Ruff Waters

Try as you might to forget, tonight really did happen. Yes, that guy really did play every other note. He's actually a nice person but nice don't get you no place on the Plotless Monster.

My Shipmates, you've been exceedingly kind to me. Never in all my wanderings did I expect to stay shipside so long. It's late and life encroaches a bit. I really ought to rest. My love grows deeper with every new day.

Rasing Sun

Now is a sensitive time. A Brother of mine has been called up to higher duty. My personal contact with him was limited but I know his work and it was good. The summon was sudden. No time to pack. The assignment keeps him from coming our way again.

I have not lost hope. I do not ask you to stop your petitions.

The grater miracle than his return would be our letting go and allowing the Light and Love he represents live vivid in our own selves. There will never be another Sunday we live through without knowing it's not a thing or a measure of time but a person who dances in the light of new rising.

Why cling to a body? In letting go the spirit can rise if we let it. My hope is in seeing him again in the fullness of the final healing. That will be the most glorious dance of all. I'm impatient for it.

IPN

Red found himself looking over the boats along the warf. They were all familiar makes except one. This had a wide heavy look not like the narrow river boats or the delecate boarding craft attached to the big ships. The wood was different too. Somehow it was from another place a different climet not assosiated with this one, which mostly saw African and Asian vessels.

A man, such as he rarely saw, came down to  the warf and the strange boat. He was also waide and solid looking like his craft his hair fell in dark loose ringlets down his back and his cap was worked with strange patterns. He swore in a language harsh and somewhat familiar.

As the man made his return to the shore he saw Red and a light of recognition sprang to his eyes. He came to Red quite excited and adressed him. But Red could not understand. The man, a bit diapointed, kept trying different languages in turn finally hitting on English he asked, "English?"

"Yes, I speak that!" exclaimed Red

"You're English then?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure." replied Red

"I'm Dutch." the Dutchman said "you look like one of my cousins."

"Oh."

"How are you not sure you're English?"

"I've been to sea too long. But now that I think of it I don't think I'm really English. It dosen't sound right."

"Well, your English is better than mine" said the Dutchman. Red agreed with him. It was.

Boundry Stone

You shouldn't be so tightly ruled by your emotions. It's not that I don't care it's just I could never care enough to satisfy you. I does the work a disservice to put your own sense of entitlement and wounded pride first. to diffuse your wound you would wound me. Wasting time on a vendetta that in the end ruins more than it can heal. It may shock you to learn that your emotions mean very little to me. I'm not cold hearted but I also know that I'm not responsible for your anxiety. What you find mean in me is seen by everyone else in a different light.

Christian Mystic: Discipline of body.

I started to write this a long time ago. It was interesting to see where I was then.

Christianity is training for spiritual battle. Every Christian should be aware of this. If soldiers are undisciplined winning a battle is very difficult. Though we know our general is superior to our enemy and he will win the war it does not excuse us from cooperating with him. I would hope to not be a casualty through lack of discipline, for that is the danger. Christ will win regardless of my activity but it would be far better for me if I cooperate now and become who he has assigned me to be.

Okay, I know I'm not very disciplined I tend to sit around when I shouldn't or ignore things that should be payed attention to (dirty dishes). But I do realize that I need some sort of discipline in my life. It's part of the maturing process.

The easiest way of going about this is to start with disciplining the body. There is a mind element to all this because everything begins as a thought. So in order to discipline the body some discipline of the mind must exist. Disciplining the body can't occur in a vacuum. I must think to go to the gym.

Another interesting thing about physical discipline is that there is a communal aspect to it. In order for me to succeed in a healthy way I need a community of people, a team if you will, to help me. Because on my own I tend to get lazy and on their own other people have overdone it. Also, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to exercise. I've never seriously been able to figure out what would be best for me to do.

Why would it be important for a Christian to maintain a well disciplined body? Because in disciplining the body we train our minds to also be disciplined. This will lead to good/right thinking and help us with spiritual discipline which is harder to measure. We were not called to be undisciplined. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians, the first one we have, stated more than once that we ought to be disciplined. "But I discipline my body and keep it under control lest, after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." (1cor9:27) "But we are judge by the lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world."(1cor11:32) The former is part of a life metaphor stating that life is like a foot race. I find it very interesting that Paul would mention that he disciplines his body.

I don't know Greek but I wonder if this was a supposition sort of statement or a "I actually do this" sort of thing. Because we know from studies that exercise and diet are important to having a good lifestyle. I don't see how Christians should argue against that.

UftPM

Nothing like receiving a letter of complaint from Smilax first thing in the morning. Puts me in an "excellent" mood. Fortunately I did request some much needed improvements in my workspace. Unfortunately the problem seems to have been thrown back at me. I *know* everything. I don't expect the drastic change I suggested to be adopted overnight. What do you take me for? A princess?

Let's be real this ship will sail for at least two more years. Don't second guess it. If I'm allowed to see these changes through the next boatswain won't have the storage issues I have. We will minimize letters of complaint. Happiness will reign on Earth and we will save baby seals. Of course, then Smilax will be board...can't have that!....or can we?

?

The mystic floated above the lust and canal cravings. The mystic was thoroughly deceived. It took one sentence --only one-- to land him in the filth. People were too polite. They just stepped around his prone body or landed on him. He struggled to raise above it. Yet another would fall.

Once it was quiet for some reason. He could hear a voice. "Be still" it said over and over. He moved to find the source but lost the sound of the voice because the filth was kind of noisy. Then another body fell.

IPN

Quite gingerly Red rose from the mat on the floor and stood for the first time that day. Sore and stiff still he moved as softly as he could to avoid disturbing the others. As he reached the doorway to the out side world a noise caught his attention. He turned back to see one of them sitting cross legged and scowling. Red did not like this. But what could he do? He was weak from the three month of confinement. He wished, not for the first or last time, that he hadn't woken. To survive was a hard thing.

He turned again to the doorway and stepped out. Immediately he was struck in the shoulder by something. He stepped back into the hut. Seriously? All he wanted to do was take a piss. These people were twisted.

Why had Li left?

Red was determined to leave the hut. He stood still and listed. The blow had been on his left but he didn't know what had hit him so he stood waiting. He knew they were preparing something behind him he could hear it. Though this concerned him he did not turn. If they attack, he thought, there's noting for it but to run directly into the sea. He couldn't think farther than that.

He had a vague idea that a ship would be there and would take him aboard and away. He happened to look down at about this point and saw something that made him smile. Without looking to the right or left he stooped down and picked it up as he walked out. The blow missed him this time. He felt the rush of it pass but didn't bother to look back for the source. No one followed him. True, they were very quiet but he was cretin they had let him go. As long as he didn't look back they would remain out of sight, they would let him go.

Mop Up

Mongrel,

I stand by what I've written. I don't plan on telling you all of this because you would just mangle it. I know you aren't attacking me. It isn't my place to rescue God from you so I'll let him take care of himself.

Still, trust does flow from belief in love. Without love what incentive is there to tell the truth? What you trust you love. If it betrays you wouldn't that devastate you like the loss of a lover? You claim that trust flows from TRUTH. I don't understand you. What the fuck is this TRUTH? I know truth but not this monolithic TRUTH. Do you mean to say there is a rule book we ought to follow? How would I know if the thing you think is TRUTH really is? Where dose IT lead? And why must you attack viciously those who disagree with you?

My public silence frustrates you and yet allows you to invent me in your own image. I know this full well. The shock will be in the disillusion of this fantasy. Clearly to you there is only one way your own. This will not satisfy me.

You seem especially torqued by Christianity. Are you just as vehement against all belief systems that are not your own?

If you really do care about me and think I should be "saved" from Christians then how does attacking people who I choose to associate with help your cause. What if the one you attacked was my closest friend? Would that really dispose me kindly to you? No. Would I listen to you? Unlikely. Why? Because I trust him he loves me.

It's funny to me that you think you can follow Jesus Christ without being a Christian or dealing with his claim to divinity. Just work that one out logically TRUTH lover.

UftPM

Woha! wouldn't want that cruise again. We've had such grate weather for the last couple of weeks I was looking forward to another lovely calm/productive cruise. Alas, the Monster it back. For some "unaccountable" reason Viking was off his game. I have my theories, I always do, but they'd be pure fiction at this point.

Oh Mocking Bird how the pants have defeated you! He is so easily flustered but then none of them had the presence of mind to tell him to keep the pants he had on. That came toward the end and I think they had reached their limit. I say they because Six had a shadow tonight.

Vanity was a pain. She has been since she was put in charge of the choreography. I punched her in my soul. Why? because she has no decorum when she's giving notes. It's like "YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG FIX IT" not "hey, let's figure this out" The really silly part is that she tells me notes that if she checked with the people who are actually concerned in it she would learn the they worked it out or that it was a non issue to begin with.

I wonder if I got enough sleep last night. I wonder what the future holds. Then I wonder why I care.

UftPM

No, really looking forward to the prospect of exchanging my happy shipmates for the moody energy sucking ones. It's exactly what I need. See I'm getting board. So either I need the above to come back or I need to start working as FaGuyver's assistant (awesome idea! Don't think we're ready for that quite yet. It would be so *intense*). I guess I could go to school and learn to cut hair everybody wants their hair cut at some point.

Please be a little more mature when you get back Jello. That goes for the other one too.

I fully expect my hopes to be dashed. Have I killed them too soon? Time will tell.

Mind dump 080?11:

I was cleaning out piles of paper in my room and came across an assortment of material that I didn't want to lose but didn't want to keep the paper they were written on. So, I'm dumping them in this post. Therefore you may find it a little "out there" I really don't care.

miXtape: Year One.
set: 4.5 actor: 0.5

Once there was a show populated by '80's cliches that docked in San Diego. I know, I was Wardrobe and the show held together under my watch.

There were 5 stage managers and 6 SR ASMs but only one Wardrobe in that year.

Through many trials we passed to entertain the citizens of this seaside town and they to reward us drank and joined the show. There was love.

To every bright vision a shadow is attached. Many good men went down on this show (due to it's "radical" design). But I saw to it that they never went down naked!

Well miXtape may live a long life.*

We don't know how sound this show is but to mark it's annual seems fitting.

Happy birthday miXtape! The big parties don't start till you turn five.


Jello,

I could give you some advice that if you followed it would make people like you better. Of course, I see you can't hear it now. So, I'll keep it to myself and let you make your own mistakes. But if, for some strange reason, you decide to listen to me I'm here. I don't lie. I'm not afraid to tell you the truth.

how it should've gone:
jello:(for the fourth time)We just have him stay SR. Just have all his changes there.
starling:(for the third time)Just decide and tell me what you want.
jello: Just, put him SR.
starling: Whoa, did you hear what I said? I said, tell me what you want to do. Sheez, lighten up! Nothing's going to break no one will care tomorrow. I'll be down in a few minutes with paper. There's no way in hell you'll keep him SR the whole show! That's redonkulous.

Son of a Whore
"When you come up in a empty society you know one without codes or love really I think it's the love. Any way desperation throws people together, right? So yeah, I had a gang up in the hill country. We were desperadoes, don't think, it doesn't happen any more, 'cuz it does." J
___
Before you can do anything silly, like write a book, you must live something. I'm often unimpressed with a thing. Is that because I know too much? I'm thinking it's a focus thing. For a long time I focused on all the things I could fear. I've come to a point now where that is deadly.
___
Dimly I thought, at first the shining one would come all would bask in his glow. Planetary wandering is a bit redundant.

Curry Salad Dressing
1 TBspoon vinegar
3 TBspoons oil
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1 teaspoon mustard
juice from 1/2 lemon
3/4 teaspoon curry powder
1 TBspoon sugar

mix in jar, shake and use.
___
Full of filled cried silent tears
Empty woke the corpse
___
A Beginning
It was a small port village or settlement really. The fishermen were a rough lot all three of them. Perhaps this was the attraction for Peter. He had some dealings with the fishermen and kept those concerns going so that he frequently stayed among them. Everyone there knew his business wasn't "regular" but being small and out of the way they felt it best to turn a blind eye on it. Peter was in the "import export" business. Peter was not his actual name.

*Upper management wants the show to run "forever". I can only give it three years.

Dream 012409

The Elder was making the elder's comments when a computer glitch happened that he couldn't ignored. The Preacher was not in the building for some reason. But was remotely working on the computer. I had a laptop and was sitting on the stage (I don't know why). I got the laptop to do something as the projector but didn't know why it happened or what to do about it. It was showing code.

The screens got to the point where they were showing the same number. The Elder thought it was the number for attendance. But it was seven thousand something and the room only holds about five hundred so that didn't make sense.

I was trying to figure out what to do next. I suddenly looked up and there the Elder was standing on the edge of the baptistry screaming for some woman about mildew behind the projector screen, he was totally panicked and irrational. He wanted it fixed right then.

It seemed that he thought the mildew caused the computer problem. I looked at the audience, they were getting restless. There was a girl I knew in Abilene on the first row. I could tell by her face that she didn't care about the mildew she had personal business. I stood up and was opening my mouth to get someone's attention when I woke up. Even though I was out of the dream I still delivered my speech to no one in particular:

"Hey! The computer glitch and the mildew are unrelated. They are distractions. Humans have functioned thousands of years, millions even, without computers. If the building really is unsafe we have a perfectly good parking lot to meet in. We shouldn't focus on distractions they're none of our business. God's work is. We should be calm people unaffected by panic."

I think I know what this means.

UftPM

We had a rocky cruise tonight. I got punched twice. It happens. I'm pretty sure the soap Little Bear left us is making me sneeze.

The bat cave is a glorious thing to behold now that there's a new rack set up in it. It opens up so many possibilities.

O, my little lambs sleep well tonight tomorrow will have enough troubles of its own.

072211

The truth of this night is the foreboding creeping in the back of my head. Why is it there?

Honestly I haven't slept well the past few nights and doubt that I will sleep well tonight. There's too much expectation going on. Too much to think of. Like why do I live an individual life? I wonder if it were possible to live a conventional life. But like the prophet I'm not allowed to. That may mark me as eccentric or artistic. But people don't put a lot of stock in either lifestyle. They certainly don't offer a servant artist much. And that is what I am. I claim no responsibility or take no pride in the work. Satisfaction is permitted for a job well done but not rest. No, that must wait. Wait until all is complete.

Recent events turn me back to think about the concept of marriage again. Intellectually I see how natural it is and necessary for the peace of civilization to have this institution. But personally I don't see why society is so rigid about it. If I choose to marry let it be for the necessity of it. Not some idealized lie.

These were heavy thoughts she had the eve before the wedding.

Stress Management: should nature be our limit?

I work in a high stress low recovery job. It would be amazing if the people around me could help me see the danger signs in myself. Unfortunately their focus is primarily on their own narrow interests, namely, their work and emotional life. This, I am told, is natural.

Should nature be our limit?

There is a twinge of injustice assigned to using science as a justification for selfishness. My spirit is angry with it. Deep down none of us want to be ignored. I think we wallow within ourselves for two reasons, insecurity and power. (There may be more)

Anxiety or if you rather insecurity, the obsession over something out of your immediate power. When all your decisions are ruled by anxiety your situation is negative. True some insecurities are benign, like spiders. In general they only cause mild inconvenience and a small amount of embarrassment. But taken to extremes and other people may not be able to work with this and begin to degrade the sufferer.

As soon as society makes such an assignment it becomes very difficult to ask for relief because no one appreciates that the sufferer is suffering anything serious. In America we are taught to suffer a grate deal and never tell the truth about it unless it involves something physical like rape or murder. After all who really wants to be burdened with my reoccurring thought pains?

The other reason we wallow within ourselves is a belief in our own power. Yes, we are amazing, we do influence some very serious things. But there is a limit to what any one of us can do.

This limit causes two major reactions. One is fear. The other a rashness that disregards consequences. Caution would have us stay within the bounds of conventional wisdom. Unfortunately conventional wisdom can only work in a narrow sort of way. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm saying it's flawed and can't really describe reality or truth or whatever you call it. As to the rashness that disregards consequence, I'll point to the human record of resource management. Where depletion and pollution figure prominently.

All in all we have very little control over this situation. No one thing will salve it short of converting the entire human race to one comprehensive plan. This does not bode well for as we know this is very unlikely. Yet we keep trying because we think we know this is important.

To keep the stress at bay it is important to remember that though you think having control will solve the problem it actually won't. I know this is sort of difficult because society would have you believe that you can think or control your way out of misery. In my experience this is not entirely true. You stop being miserable the moment you acknowledge you have no control and place that power into some thing else. I've always chosen to give that power to God and that's work well for me. You will make your own choice.

Seeing clearly what you are dealing with dose make a difference. That's why education is sooooo important.

UftPM

I stumbled off the ship at 10:30. And I mean it was a miracle (a real one) that I didn't run anyone over on the way home. See I'm exhausted. Have been since Thursday. It's really hard to have a fun attitude when you're exhausted and people demand your attention all the time. I'm not excusing anything, just saying.

Things have quieted down a lot. Though now that that is the case people will want some sort of excitement. Look it doesn't have to be a disaster. You know you could just joke around more and be silly. After all this is a silly ship. Or rather it wants to be a silly ship and could be if you let it. But, no, you have to be all serious and dressed well to cover your insecurities.

I'm rambling. I'll take my one day off and be glad for it. Don't call me I won't answer my phone tomorrow.

Rebound Girl

late night
it's all done
she left you on your own
another break-up for your wall
so you come home
give me a call
you ask how i am
maybe we could do something
that's when i know
i'm your rebound girl

050906

Sex crazed cats are very unreasonable creatures. Trust me. I know. For tow nights in a row I have listened to the petitions of several tom cats. Now why animals that under nearly all circumstances lead quite lives should wake all larger animals around them with loud yammering that screams, "I'm in this spot and completely distracted" is beyond me. But then I'm human and let's face it humans are weird.

I must say Tuesday morning's dance with the little female was totally artsy-fartsy surreal like a dream but real so you're extra awake. It was three something. She was a young house cat. I think it's her first heat. The owners are going to be *thrilled*!

I wonder how they'd take finding a flier that said, "lost your orange female cat? No worries, she's knocked up! Congratulations, you'll have kittens." Yeah, that might not go over so well.

How long does it take for cats to have sex? Because I'm getting the feeling it can go on for days. I mean the whole ritual, foreplay to the after sex cigarette and coffee. I hope it's over with soon.

UftPM

Testa,

Retrospect is the best filter. You are wise to wait until you disembark to read this.

This is not the send off I was anticipating...

I've watched you struggle and work at cross-purpose to you success. I understand the desire to defend yourself. Most people do take advantage of you when they can. But at times you did become brutish. I don't think that's the person you'd rather be. You are strong and there can be grace in that.

May there be peace for you on your next ship.

UftPM

OK and for my hundredth post I bring you Excitement!

I know I just got done telling you that this is funny and it will be in about twenty-four hours... Testa, bless her, injured herself. It's very hard to leave this ship unmarked. Now my theory is that the injury was more mental than physical. Without getting to involved in the particulars I can tell you that she has a very strong mind. This can be used for good or evil. In this case it served fear more than confidence. My hope is that after she collects herself all will be well. I don't think she wants to give up so close to the end.

I've got to say, all the transition, chaos, turmoil we've been through has prepared us for many things. We've run this assignment through so many variations that nothing is impossible. The crew did very well even Sojurn (it was his second day at his post). Nothing died.

I do get a medal after all this, right? I've got to be a black belt fourth degree by now. Who keeps track of these things any way? Oh, right, me. I'm inventing a new level this one is above black it's the invisible belt. I'm so good I don't need the damn belt.

A Note About UtfPM

I have no control over what's in your heads.

Biting commentary aside, I'd like to remind you that my bias is toward peace. Not a weak oppressive peace but a strong one. All I have written was honest and out of my love of humanity. More of you are aware of me now and I feel the time is right to make explicit some assumptions about this project.

1.) This is not news
2.) This is not gossip (you do that so well on your own)
3.) This *is* funny

Because this isn't news you may be certain that not every event was covered. There were things that happened to some of you that were a big deal but didn't strike me as needing my commentary.

Because this isn't meant to be gossip you may find that the scandals you thought happened aren't mentioned. Either this is because they didn't happen or I don't think it fair to "kick 'em when they're down". Lord knows we all need a break at some point.

Because this is funny you should *not* take anything written here as a call to arms. I don't hate any of you. But I know you have colossal pride issues and take yourselves way WAY too seriously. (Yes, Jello, especially you.) I'm saying all this so you can get off your hobby-horse and enjoy the ridiculous that has been this ship.

Peace on all your undeserving heads.

030306

I watched the crowd gather
it was sickening to know that many are flirting with death
these skeletons wrapped in flesh
sculls stuffed and overstuffed with knowledge but no feeling
the woman in yellow was a child among them
I was sad to observe her ignored
I'm not grasping this show
it doesn't move me in any direction
but perhaps out.

UftPM

The monkeys were busy on the Plotless Monster. Over the "weekend" we've sacked Poptart Minion #3. She left a disorganized mess behind. And so instead of the simple two hour light house keeping it was my fortune to be ship side for six hours...

Remember I told you the ship took down Turbo? Well Meat Ball returns to take his place. (I know some of you will be *very* interested to know that)

Testa's last stand is over water bottles. Of course she is right they are dirty. Oh but aren't I and my crew doing enough? Would one of you people at least take it on yourself to wash dishes? Then maybe I'd be inclined to wipe your ass a little more gently.

If that weren't enough we launch Sojurn tomorrow. So far I've got this all straight in my mind but the time is approaching fast when I'll be useless in keeping this thing coherent.

On a personal note, I'm building a little boat the frame is nearly done. I'll need investors. Interested? Talk to me.

UftPM

"Thanks for calling me back!" Calling you back? This is my third attempt to reach you. You never called me. I've spent psychic energy trying to get through and stay positive. It would've been more appropriate to thank me for calling again. I was prepared to wadge a war of persistence. Trust me I can be very annoying. But you finally answered your phone and really I can't go off on this now because I don't want you to hang up. So, all I say is something like "great" and we get on with business. You have a team I am alone. I don't see how your crisis is any worse than mine.

Did you know we've lost Turbo to the ravages of Time? Long live Turbo.

This ship is hard on men. I fault the engineering.

UftPM

I think the moment FaGyver turned to Sojurn and said, "They want to know if you can go on tonight" was The moment I knew some thing special would happen tonight.

As fare as these things go nothing terrible happened. Jello got all weird at first but everything smoothed out after we actually ran the ship.

My favorite part was Satan dancing in tighty-whities as Freddy Crugar. I hope FaGyver got that on video because it will never happen again. Damn, I'm gonna miss him and Squirt.

UftPM

What am I thinking? Well, well? The longer I'm on this ship the stranger things get. Yet there are still many milestones of strangeness to pass. The strangest thing that could happen now is a month with out any transition. The soonest that could possibly happen will be August, the ships birthday. That in itself will make August strange.

Ohf, where to begin? Things have advanced rapidly. Rumor has it that I'm to take over a department. This is a delicate thing coming at an awkward time. Plainly, this is the expected decision after all the alternative is Smilax.

Caliban, otherwise known as Satan, is leaving us for Moose Nation. Testa is also leaving. She's to go to the same ship Spaz went to. That will be fun, I can imagine them telling "war stories" about us.

It seems that if we get through this complex of change the one in July will be easy. There is one major piece still missing from that though. THEY don't know who will replace Squirt after College Dress leaves. I will miss all of them they each taught me or at leas entertained me.

060611

Now for a bit of poetic nonsense:

staring at the grid
I do this for a living
draped corpse-like over the chair
wake me for the highlights
my eyes are burning holes through me
I'll tremble apart full of the dark stuff
in the name of light let me rest
stop
stop angering me

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight

they keep grumbling mutiny here
the mutiny will not manifest
the revolution will not broadcast
the status quo is firm
these tortilla chips are too good
we are slaves to the check that clears
stop
stop angering me

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight

all I want is love and pizza
you keep offering gin
empty words an awkward looks
I'm not your savior
I will let you fall

and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight
stop

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight

Smilax

The following is a letter I'd like to send though I don't think I will. You may think, by merely posting this, that I have sent it. I don't agree. Some things are more defused the more public they become and unless you have the key you won't know who this is about.

Trussel,

I know why Smilax can't work with me. I won't leave "well-enough" alone. I challenge her in ways she'd rather ignore. So, she's black listed me, fine. I made a youthful mistake but I've done all in my power to do good. I hear the anger in my friends voices and see the fruit of her incompetence and can't help but share their anger.

As a manager myself, I look at what's going on in her shop and cringe. By not dealing with her issues your product is suffering.

1. The quality of work going up is only as good as those producing it. Smilax has terrible hiring instincts.

2.Your employee retention is terrible. You have lost some very valuable people who would've been fine staying on if some one else were in charge. (And, yes, I am one of them.)

3. The core staff is overwhelmed and over-worked. Mainly because they have to correct the mistakes made by those less than competent hires. Also,

4. When it comes to mundane tasks, like keeping a calendar, checking up on off site work or communicating things in a timely manner so people don't have to panic, it's just not happening. This makes it hard on those who are trying to get the work done on time and run their various side projects to know when they will be needed and where they should be. It also leads to abuses in the system where it would be possible for an individual to fudge their hours siphoning off funds where they don't need to go.

5. Speaking of funds the budget isn't being followed...

This is just the stuff I can see right away.

The consistent complaint I've heard against you is that you will do nothing. Evidence dose suggest that you avoid conflict. Now I don't know everything and I certainly can't say if this is justified. But if any of this makes sense or rings true doesn't that suggest to you that some action should follow? I hope you get a real manager in there soon. I hope that there can be a way for Smilax to leave gracefully. I don't see her as an asset to you.

I know there are ties stronger than logic keeping her here. To an outsider this set up is crazy. I know because I know some one who won't refer people to work for this company any more because of the shit going down in the shop. They do have a point. I don't want to send people over there myself because I know the insanity it is to work with the Smilax. I'm a reasonable peace loving person yet I've never wanted to punch some one so badly as I've wanted to punch her.

This will posse a problem starting next week as she is taking over the account I'm assigned to. In all fairness I must warn you that we can't be in the same room for too long. I will have a vary hard time being my usual helpful self when dealing with her there's just too much crap there.

Thank you,

IPN

The debouch was progressing on schedule. The crew had consumed the sake and was just getting into the vodka they had saved for just such a time as this when, of a sudden (wouldn't you know), a stranger appeared among them. He did not say a word but moved quickly below deck where he encountered one of the two sober people aboard the Grate Ship. After a brief exchange both men went to find the boatswain. Who they found brooding over a coffee drink.

"O, so yeh found me?"

"Most nat'ly done Carson." replied the stranger, "you have a trail like algae."

Carson cursed, in a generic way, "What do you want?"

"You don't know?"

"No."

"I'm calling in the last favor."

"And what would that be?"

"Joyce"

"Look, I know you're better informed than I, what in blazes are you talking about?"

"Okinawa, or rather what happened just off it? What happened to Joyce"

Carson rubbing his head, "The ship was cracked. I don't know what happened."

"You're the only survivor."

"I am?"

"Well that's what I need to know."

"Look, last I know the ship cracked just after dark. A lot can happen in the dark. I
came to half on half off wreckage. Not a soul in sight. Spent days getting ready to die but got picked up instead."

"Who picked you up?"

"It was a French ship. But the crew was Russian."

The stranger snorted. Nothing good would come of this.

___

"Would it be our dumb luck to be gentlemen born? To be second sons and bastards of lords? Thrown to the waves to build our fortune?"

"That's a good one."

"You interrupted me. Now I forgot what I wanted to say."

"Oh, sorry."

"Let's see, do you know what happened to that chart? The one depicting Xi harbor?"

"Blimey, Kellen, you haven't asked after that in years."

"Well, Jacko, I have intelligence that the Goat is to winter there."

"Arrr."

"Not that."

"Oh, I haven't forgotten she carries a man I must settle accounts with soon. Besides, she has a cargo of spice."

"I hope you mean gold and not the other kind."

The Unicorn Hunters: fear

There was how the seine was supposed to go. He starts the fight with a shove. I counter by rolling away and jumping up. He comes at me again I dodge off to one side his momentum propels him into a piece of furniture, preferably one that catches him in the gut. I can yell the Truth at him. He'll hear it. It might not stop that fight but, I hope, it'll stop the next. His power will be broken. My work will be done.

But of course it didn't go that way at all. It was craftily done. He went for me in one of those places where no one listens when you scream. How he got me there? Well, that's embarrassing to remember. Any way, there wasn't any furniture. I had been warned this could happen but hadn't believed it. He had counted on that. I did cry out. But after the initial shock I switched to growling. I don't think he'd ever been growled at before. He was used to screaming. I fought as though it would be my last living act. At all cost I would stop him. I had to stop him.

An amazing thing happened when he was getting the better of me. Seemingly, from no where two women in motorcycle boots took him down. I think one clocked him in the head with her helmet. The other had her phone out recording everything. You know they're angels? The one with the phone gave it to me and told me to give it to the police. They couldn't identify the women on the video. As soon as they knew the police were there they left. I don't know why.

This Could be It

Now this is an interesting sensation. He registered this thought carefully as with caution he eased into his second favorite chair. He wasn't in paradise yet so this couldn't be his first favorite. The thing he felt and was analyzing just now was a stinging bruise, that would never turn anything more dramatic than yellow. This had been delivered to his left forearm by a tall skinny guy in a hurry. Accidentally, we must assume, as he had never met the guy before nor would he know him again.

This punch in the arm came at a fortunate time. It got him to think of something other than Maggie. To remember that he wasn't in paradise and he should look around him more. The baroness of the clutter surrounding him surprised him. "When did I get all this junk?" he wondered aloud. But the piles of news papers and magazines only sat still not daring to answer because really he already knew.

His new obsession would be diet and exercise. He would meet a hot young thing at the gym. Quit smoking, finally. Move to L.A., why not? It made little difference. An electronic thing went off in his pocket. He groaned. No one ever called just to say, hi. He had an impulse to slam the phone into the wall. But checked it remembering that this one was expensive and it wasn't fair to shoot the messenger, even if it was an annoying brainless little thing. He would not do well around small dogs. This thought pleased him. The phone went off again. Who was calling him? He didn't recognize the number.

Something new occurred to him then. This could be it. The call that would change his life.

"Hello?"
"Hello, have I reached the office of Dr. Johnson?" piped back a frail voice.
"Oh. No."

UftPM

The reputed influence of Cougar Bait is finally manifesting, *fin-a-llly!* and I am surrounded by weak kneed women. The other day I suffered through a Viking/Cougar Bait double whammy. It was kind of disgusting.

Sadly, Little Bear has been very sick. We wish her the best.

UftPM

Pretty doesn’t give you a free pass on the Plotless Monster.

Mother Bear’s prediction before leaving ship; completely shattered. Cougar Bait is a dud. Until now Turbo had no reason to complain but Cougar Bait’s lack of professionalism has torqued him. This will lead to an interesting dynamic shift. Cougar Bait is the least prepared of ANYONE who has ever crewed this ship (including that sucky temp). During his third attempt he was screwing up pass codes and positioning so bad I even noticed and I don’t pay attention to the action, can’t see anything anyway.

In my analysis a lot of this lack of preparation stems from the fact that this guy is completely whipped. He has no passion. His wife scares him. This is sad. Marriage should be a partnership not a bondage. There should be no master, no boss. Also, people like Mother Bear who have “fallen for the face” created a sort of monster by not challenging him to have a passion for what he’s doing. After all who wouldn’t hire him he’s so (eye roll) gorgeous (*gag me with a spoon*). I need to clarify something; the above statement isn’t his opinion it’s actually Mother Bear and someone else’s opinion.

To be charitable, this is a Monster. No one is safe. Yes, there has been some improvement. Right, and we’ve been spoiled with the kinds of people who have been coming in.

Things will be completely different tomorrow. Tomorrow we won’t notice how bad Cougar Bait is because we will be dealing with some new thing that looks even worse. Brace yourself kids, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Ominous, I know. But take heart, I’m still with you.

UftPM

"This guy's done the second act before, right?" (summary of tonight's excitement)

Testa gave me a little insight into how she views herself today. This is welcomed information. Now I just have to figure out what yellow means.

There is a God out there. I know this because of the schedule change that's under way. If the owners of the ship don't mind running it four times instead of five I'll be the last to complain.

On bin Ladin

"Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?" Ezekiel 18:23

So, they killed another terrorist, shot him, whatever. Big deal. It doesn't solve anything. Now you can take some comfort in knowing an "icon of evil" is dead. He wasn't ever the real threat, was he? What he represents still exists, it lives on. What are you going to do about that?

I apologies for not participating in the patriotic jig. See, I've never agreed with the invasions and this news, though welcome, is far from comforting. I feel no relief. This is only a victory for narrow interest. This is not a victory for Love.

On Sitting in Audiences

One of the reasons I don't go to see shows is that they give me head aches. It's not the shows fault, or the directors for that matter, I just can't sit still that long and my eyes aren't used to focusing at distance for much longer than a minute. I think that's why I also get crazy on long road trips. Ding me for being a dancer.

Saw a show today. Don't ask my opinion. It doesn't matter what I think. Except of course Dark Star was lovely and the technical side was competent. There was one distracting bit of tinsel caught on a door most of the time and the audience was matinee quiet. That is all I feel compelled to say.

***

"The most important thing, the thing you must never, ever, loose, are my children," he told me. I am ill equipped for such a task. His children do take themselves off and wonder incoherently for decades at a time. I can't touch them.
"Then keep the ones I give you."

I have a handful of treasures. They have exotic names. They are not something I hoard. They walk the earth and if they accept my love for them the light I bear would shine much brighter.

For the longevity of the human race we were given love. We were given pain so we would seek each other.

UftPM

'Twas a Viking night tonight, me lambs.

Um, the only thing that would've made it better was if Mother Bear called me much latter so I could panic. I didn't get a proper panic out of this. I rolled on the floor laughing. It was exactly as is should've been. Could've done with out the cooking cable in the ground box though that smelled bad.

Viking did well as Viking always does.

So, I count my blessings.

Until the Day He Died

She assigned herself a place among the stars. No one else had. That was the problem, they saw a drudge, a shoe scrapper. Not to him. He was hopelessly madly in want of her attention. She was too busy creating artificial light until the day she died. His mother lust was never satisfied, it played out in a thousand situations, the most acutely shameful being in public. Panting, moaning, squirming about he would ask the world, anything, to touch him. But it, they, were too busy.

No, he wouldn't kill himself over it. There was no point to that. Instead, he would barter for it. The price was too much for him to hire it full time exclusive but he could steal it for a time or triad something for it. Before we knew it he had assigned himself a place among the stars. But all we saw was a drudge, a shoe scraper, until the day he died.

Fate vs. Choice

A friend of mine posed a question about fate vs. choice in regard to marriage saying that, your views on the subject would reflect your view of God. Now, I've struggled with this fate vs. choice thing in a different area of my life, namely my career. I don't know if fate or choice dominated. Yes, I chose to ignore some opportunities. I chose the field of study I pursued. I'm not working in retail or food service, stereotypical fall back professions. Nor do I think I'd ever choose that or that it's purely my choice.

I don't feel I chose this path, like sitting down and saying, "plus column, minus column..." In fact, I didn't want to be in the arts. It pays so lousy, the hours suck and hardly anyone is paying attention anyway. Could I change industries? You bet. I'd go into HR somewhere or project management. Would I be just as happy? How should I know? (Maybe I'll find out) I think in a Christian's life, a life commanded by God, fate and choice work together. God presents us with a series of decisions that lead to our fate. Not being able to make both decisions at the same time to know what the outcome would be limits us in knowing whether it even mattered what decision we made. But God in his omniscience can read our lives like a history.

We can't see it that way. We control so little in our lives. We see fate or choice and think they are mutually exclusive. But perhaps, some things are fate and others choice and that it would be different for each person.

The reason we control so little, going back to that idea, is that, there are other people out there making decisions that effect our lives. I have no control over them and you have no control over me or them. The only person I have control over is myself. This is humbling. Humans don't like to be humbled. Humans tend to fight because they want control. But they can only enjoy the illusion of it. They, we, can never really posses it. At best it's on loan. If you are a good steward of power it will be with you as long as you need it. If not you're Gaddafi and that isn't pretty.

Another interpretation of fate vs. choice has to do with a persons basic feeling toward Humanity. One who ascribes to fate is pessimistic toward Man. For Man is incapable of making a decision independent of a predetermined plan. Therefore nothing is left to his actual control. One who ascribes to choice, on the other hand, is optimistic toward Man. For choice would have it that not only is Man capable of deciding what to do but that he is an active participant in the shape of his life.

I've noticed when I make a certain type of decision I have a feeling of rightness. Like duh, this was the only thing I could do. What is that? Is it fate or me being a cleaver smart ass? I, like most people, don't analyze my decisions unless something went terribly wrong or some one makes me. The feeling of rightness could be ascribed to my brilliance or to benevolent outside forces or a combination. Which is likely? All of it. Why not?

I realize that as a Christian I believe my brilliance comes from God making me out to be a fatalist. This may be true. But we'd still have the problem of evil to wrestle with. Ah, there is always some thing to think about. I'll leave evil for another day.