That Cluster of Storms

Well Shipmates, we came through that cluster of storms better than you expected.

I'm kind of pissed that I was the only person with the presence of mind to warn Viking that his assignment changed. That's not my job! This incident has reinforced his anxieties about this company I really don't blame him.

FaGuyver is at the helm and weirdness always happens when he is. These are the days that live long in the legend of this ship.

Jello would like to punch O'Doodle, for that matter so would Arsenal, though I don't think it's wise I totally understand where that's coming from. The guy is arrogant. Thankfully he's temporary so if they can exercise their self-control a little longer there will be no blood.

I suppose the really big news is my pending departure. I will soon be aboard a different ship. She's a smaller vessel, owned by a different company, and promises to be a simpler operation. I need this break in so many ways.

It Involves Stairs

It’s been a long week.

Sometimes when I’m below deck I think, how did I get here? This isn’t real life. This is fake. When will I wake up and discover that really I’m a princess? Then they whine at me. I’m only a servant after all. Yeah, I guess not everyone can be a princess.

You said I looked stressed. Um, yes nothing like that gets by you. I said something about my hip, though that was only the catalyst to my troubles not the cause. The frustrating thing about my hip issue is that now I can’t run. For me this is a devastation. It limits me.

At what point do I make a big deal out of this?

The dryer is unlikely to be replaced anytime soon. No one explains anything to anyone though we all know they will find out eventually because you can’t hide the fact that the dryer doesn’t work. I get so frustrated with all this opaque communication. It’s pointless. Look, the dryer won’t work because there’s a leak in the gas line and if we get that fixed the city will inspect the dock and tell us it’s not to code and that we have to leave until it can be brought to code. All of this costs money no one, not even the dock’s owner, wants to spend. That is why there is no hot water and will never be hot water. Not for a very long time. They aren’t running out and getting an electric dryer because it’s more important to launch the other ship. I hope they’re right about that. Honestly I’m not excited about the future of drying on the Plotless Monster, it involves stairs.

Seriously, I need to find a new situation soon...

Oh and we got virus.

Change, What!? Here? *NO! *

Oh Mocking Bird! How strange the circles come round.

Sojourner finally left. Though considering the fact that he had been fired, begged back, etc... it took quite some time to finalize.

I have no idea what this means for the next couple of tours.

I remember well how cruses got canceled when Mocking Bird didn't have a cover. We shouldn't get our hopes up though. The solution will be unexpected. Perhaps, finally, THEY will open that track up. I mean it doesn't make sense to lock it up when THEY know the talent pool is shallow. But that's just me being all analytical.

And on an unrelated note: I kind of like Vanity though I don't trust her sense. She always means well and I can appreciate that.

The Uneventful Week

Ok two UftPMs in one week? Seriously people, this was supposed to be the uneventful week.

Who said this would be a normal week? What did I tell both of you? There is no normal on the Plotless Monster.
___

Is self destruction really worth the attention it gets you?

Not cool. Not professional. Not even safe! Did you make it home?

If you think drinking yourself to death has any benefits you’re wrong. If you think it’s impressive you’re even more wrong. It’s disgusting it’s the reason I don’t hang out with you. What would impress me more is if you played your show sober and never drank.

But I know why you do it. You do this because you need attention. You think your situation is terrible and that you’re being screwed. If you chose to see it that way no one can change your mind. I know people think I’m being screwed too. But I don’t chose to dwell there I don’t chose to see it that way. This is temporary I’m not stuck here till my dying day and I expect to use this as a bridge to more promising opportunities.

Everyone likes to complain here. I don’t think that’s the best atmosphere to live in but it’s what it is. You explode over some of the silliest shit. The notes they give you aren’t a personal attack. They are designed to keep their product consistent, quality control, and by taking it on like an attack you make it difficult for them to keep you. You aren’t worthless but you do need to look outside of yourself every once and awhile.

I bothered to say all this because I care. I realize you may be beyond reach that you may choose to see this as another thing attacking you. In the end I’d rather know I tried than not.

So why say this in a public way? Safety? I know eventually you will read this and when you do you will have time to think about it. I don't think it would be wise for me to "rescue" you. I don't have that power. But I do think it's important for you and other people to know what I think about this.

Women Don’t Have Magical Powers of Mind Control

Rant In: The skirt last night… OK honestly, I believe Vanity when she says she can’t fell that her skirt has ridden up. There’s a lot going on, she is wearing two pairs of tights, and since a skirt check wasn’t programed into her show some times it does whatever. Not saying she gets a free pass for not having a skirt check in there. I mean if I’m wearing a short tight skirt I check it constantly. My head and body are aware of each other. But give the woman a break! I’m sure, now that y’all’ve toughly embarrassed her, the skirt check is in now. You could have been a little more tactful about it.

As to modesty at large, because thinking of short skirts reminds me of all the Galmasaours Rexes at the clubs, it’s pathetic to be skanky but it’s repressive to be overly modest. Don’t think you can avoid sleazy men by hiding. They love to find you. In fact they take it as a sign that you’re insecure and therefore ruled by a victim mentality. That’s why “nice” girls get raped.

Dudes have a responsibility to control their thoughts and actions too. Don’t blame women for your failure. Because when it comes to sexual excesses it doesn’t matter to you what the vessel looks like as long as you get what you want. All I’m saying is don’t blame the vessel for your decision to abuse it. The abuse is your fault she didn’t make you do anything. Surprise! Women don’t have magical powers of mind control, you control your thoughts. Rant out!

March march March (otra ves)

Um, so maybe I've said some things last time that were a bit miss leading...the count down thing for instance. I am looking at my exit options you should always be doing that in this industry. I will be leaving at some point but can't tell you when that will be because the move depends on some other things getting worked out.

On the surface THEY weren't fair but I knew I was getting a bad deal from the beginning so really I have no right to complain. It would be my own fault if I don't communicate with THEM my wants.

On the whole, I think this is actually a good thing. After all I know I could use a brake to go do some other thing for a time. Here you guys get to take a brake then come back if you want. That's really cool. Now I'm kind of jealous.

It's all temporary.

March march March

Hey Wheezy El Boracho! You made it into the UftPM. I guess this means you can die happy.

THEY've broken up the band. I'm already upset. Now there will be complaining and whining and a free ranging angst below deck.

Thank God I'm adaptable or I'd be agnsty whinny too. I will do my best to support the grieving but you know I'm not the most comforting person I know.

I'm not surprised about the decision THEY made. However the very human logical part of me thinks it was badly handled from the beginning. Actually, to be honest, THEY haven't been fair with me either. This is why I know my next project will be very different. I can bide my time a little longer but the halfway point is well crossed. So, you could think of me in count down mode.

Que sera, sera or something.

Walking to my truck I was mistaken for a European again. Not sure why you needed to know that.

Chill

I was wondering at God, on my way home from the ship tonight, why do people use righteousness as a cloak to mask evil? It does us no good.

I'm full of gratitude. It's been rare for people to praise me. I distrust it anyway. Don't get me wrong it's good to hear because some times I did wonder if I was noticed. I've lived on the edge of notice for a long time. I suppose it was to keep me humble.

As to remaining calm in the storm? How do you think I do that? I'm curious to know.

And the conversation coming to Mother Bear's attention: Well, sometimes you gotta let the little kid touch the fire. I'm mainly concerned for institutional reasons, not personal ones. So the upshot is that I didn't fundamentally change my opinion of the matter but have reassessed my tactics. The nuance is always lost! Oh the pain of art! And the misfortune of humanity that people tend to see attacks where there are none. "The wounds of a friend" as proverbs records, "are better than the kisses of an enemy". So what appears to be an attack is in fact preservation. But we get all self absorbed and are quick to take offense it's the stress level. We just need to chill.

And on that note I'm going to forget about all of this for a few blissful hours.

Spirit Sundays!

I was going through some old files and came across this message I wrote on 9/7/11. I don't really know why I didn't post it then. Any way if you like the idea presented in the last paragraph let me know and I whack together a little something for our entertainment.

"This is the most important up-date you will read. It's soo important I'm alerting you on faceBook.

"Shipmates,
How could I have an up-date now you might ask...

"Well, I actually got this information confirmed about nine months ago. I waited to see if you really needed to know this and now I think you do.

"A lot of you have marked my utter lack of surprise at any announcement made by the owners of the ship, especially the ones relating to mission extensions. I'm not surprised because I know this mission will last at least three full years. That's a prophesy from God. I'm telling you this so you can adjust your expectations. Some of you may need to bail soon. Some of you really need to stop thinking and enjoy the ride.

"Note: if They put us back on double missions then they have to feed us. "Free" food = party. It's all in our attitude. I, for one, advocate silliness and am looking forward to it.

"On a related note: Spirit Sunday schedule will be available on Google calendars if you want in let me know. We'll be starting early with a high-five competition."

UftPM Required Rading

That sucked. That cruise sucked. I don't want to go all Mother Bear on you but seriouslly? Profesionalism people! I know other companies encourage chaos bellow deck but not here and not on this ship. It's too dangerous it's the Monster for a reason. To purposly distract yourself and the rest of us in the manner you did was bad. I shudder to think if THEY had seen what I saw...

You know I'm all for levety and a good time but it can't interfear with my job. What if I were so selfish as to hide things from you for my own amusement? Wouldn't I be fired for that? Have you done any better today?

You think because there was a  small audience it dosen't matter. You're wrong. The audience is the reason you're emploied in the first place. Your job is to entertain them not yourselves. And this brings up an interesting point. Not all of you had a good time with the game. In fact half of you were uncomfortable with it. Don't lie I saw it in your eyes. You went along because why? Some fear of not being cool? All that does is make you feel crappy because you aren't being true to yourself and that's not cool.

I love you. For that reason I can't allow you to be unprofessional. I can't see the return of chaos it's bad for the soul. When you are bad to each other, when you get undisciplined, when you overstep professional boundaries you make my job harder. So do me a favor and be better people.

Not Really the one Under Attack

After much thought and being caught without words, though I know what I ought to say, I sit to write this. It’s the only way I can think of to clearly say what I feel losing as little meaning as possible. In my experience when something is written the reader takes time to understand it but when it’s spoken it slips away.

Many times below deck Dark Star has asked me how I stay calm despite the chaos and anger. I have never given her a complete answer because it isn’t one secret thing that can be told in a sentence or it is but it takes forever to explain. Honestly, I don’t handle it. That is my secret. Someone else handles it.

I’m free to let the darts go because I’m not really the one under attack. They are miserable and lash out in a feral manor because they are wounded not because we did or said anything. I can see how hard it is to be immersed in their environment clearly seeing the damage but unable to do anything to stop it.

Harmony is a better place to live.

Acknowledging the limited role we can play in this scene is essential to surviving it. Learning our own faults and humbly asking for forgiveness is the first step toward harmony. Not holding the attacks in but letting them free in acts of kindness and mindfulness are ways we avoid being deeply wounded ourselves. By abdicating the burden to someone else and refusing to be ruled by feelings I no longer live in the hating place. It is Christ in me who is wounded and acts.

You can experience this too but the training is brutal. Life will never be simple but you will come to do and survive more than you thought possible because the burden will not be yours.

The problem I have with Vanity is that I don’t know how to be kind to her. The rest of you are more transparent to me. I know what attentions I need to pay to you. But she is isolated in a mind foreign to me; that I’ve been slow to figure out. Clearly, if this ship is to cruise forever, I must learn what kindness is to her.

It’s occurred to me that Smurfet stopped enjoying work around the time Vanity came. Watching that dynamic, their mutual jealousy, is sickening. That is the worst relationship in the room. My prescription would be for one to shut up and listen and the other to fight for herself. But these are things out of my control.

When the crisis comes I pray that I can speak my mind in love. I want to be the first on the scene. I don’t think Mother Bear understands the conflict in the same light that I do and it would be very different to have me yelling instead of her. We’re sort of used to that.

Sleep well friends I’ll see you on the morrow.

Scheduling

Why is my life so congested now?

I need to do a reading for a play I wrote. Mainly because I NEED you people to experience it and talk about it. There's no way this fabulous event can occur until some time next year...

I really want to visit some friends. But I have something every night until some time next year.

I would also like to do a spa day because I need a brake. Hm, maybe some time next year?
___

Thank you for letting me complain publicly. If you want to help be extra kind to everyone don't get on your high pony when I ask you to do something and please remember that I have no power I'm only a messenger and you really ought not shoot me. I don't tell you things just to make you mad. I tell you things because it's my crappy job to do that. Trust me I'd rather watch you make a fool of yourself than correct you at this point. It's more entertaining.

On the other had go ahead and get uppity just don't be surprised if a fall out laughing. Of course you will be surprised and take it all personal. How do I know that? Duh, I watch you up close for a living. But at least I know I sort of warned you (in writing even).

UftPM

Sssso, it fascinates me that the week I'm not at my physical best I get a load of crap dripped on me like Chinese water torture. It's okay this sort of thing makes me "strong" and stuff like that.

Vanity, vanity all is vanity. Quite frankly I felt like I was talking to a cockatoo. No, I did not say quite what I wanted to because we couldn't get past the "but I'm not getting my hearts desire" thing. (Le *sigh)

FaGyver, You keep saying you want to scuttle the ship but you know they'd just build a new one. That new one would have the same discipline issues. Not saying things won't change just saying the only thing you can really change is your own attitude.

Perfection

Viking asked me tonight what would make a cruise perfect. I have no ready answer. Perhaps I've stopped caring about perfection.

Perfection was a nice thing to think about at one point but the more I found I didn't know it the less I cared to force it's existence the closer I've come to meeting it without trying too hard. That's the thing once something gets analyzed and it's parts are stripped out for science it no longer hold the wonder it once did. The life of it is gone. I don't need to understand. I just experience.

Tonight's cruise was pretty good. All things considered. It ranks among the successful voyages. I am satisfied.

Ruff Waters

Try as you might to forget, tonight really did happen. Yes, that guy really did play every other note. He's actually a nice person but nice don't get you no place on the Plotless Monster.

My Shipmates, you've been exceedingly kind to me. Never in all my wanderings did I expect to stay shipside so long. It's late and life encroaches a bit. I really ought to rest. My love grows deeper with every new day.