072211

The truth of this night is the foreboding creeping in the back of my head. Why is it there?

Honestly I haven't slept well the past few nights and doubt that I will sleep well tonight. There's too much expectation going on. Too much to think of. Like why do I live an individual life? I wonder if it were possible to live a conventional life. But like the prophet I'm not allowed to. That may mark me as eccentric or artistic. But people don't put a lot of stock in either lifestyle. They certainly don't offer a servant artist much. And that is what I am. I claim no responsibility or take no pride in the work. Satisfaction is permitted for a job well done but not rest. No, that must wait. Wait until all is complete.

Recent events turn me back to think about the concept of marriage again. Intellectually I see how natural it is and necessary for the peace of civilization to have this institution. But personally I don't see why society is so rigid about it. If I choose to marry let it be for the necessity of it. Not some idealized lie.

These were heavy thoughts she had the eve before the wedding.