Of course I’m wrong! Let me be the first to tell you I’m wrong. I’m not magical. I make huge mistakes all the time I’m sure. One of my biggest failures is uninformed anxiety, fear. I want to see people thriving but I’m too afraid to get involve. I know I’m not the solution to their problem but that shouldn’t stop me from opening difficult conversations or at least asking follow up questions. Really I shouldn’t be so public with my messy thought process. But there it is.
They say I’m being broken. That’s right, arrogance, be pulverized dust in me. Too easily swayed too easily convince that my opinions are important or significant, I’m sorry, I’m wrong. Now don’t think I’m going to get all down and jump off a tall object over this. Through all my identity issues the one thing that I’ve known without any doubt is that I will never take my own life. Actually there are two things that keep me from ultimate despair, that knowledge and my complete faith in God. Yeah, I’m a Christian. My fear gets in the way of that too.
Most of us mean well but are incredibly ignorant about other people. So from my perspective something could look like a really big deal when it isn’t, or just the opposite it could seem to me to be insignificant when it isn’t. It’s so hard!
Back in 2006, right before I was laid off the first time, something happened that I should’ve asked more questions about at the time but really I was in a fog about it all. Man, you haven’t experienced the power of imagination until you get a phone call, seemingly out of the blue, from your supervisor asking if you’re going to kill yourself and should they fire you now or could you make it through the end of the run which is only in three days? Of course that upset me. Where had they gotten that idea? And yes, it’s the same them that I work for now. This is my third go with them. This time I won’t be fired.
I learned that it was a perception thing. They were seeing things that weren’t true. I had never learned what people should act like. I’m not an actor. I’m a very honest person and I don’t believe in hiding behind a mask of forced “happiness” just so people leave me alone or support some fiction that I’ve got everything under control. But I do understand now that most people can’t handle this well. They want to believe that I’ve got it all together and that my life is full of that quality they wish they had. Maybe my life is, I don’t know. What do people want anyway? I’ve never figured it out, not even for myself.
All that to say, I understand that I’m wrong, I knew from the beginning that I was more likely to be wrong than right. It was better to express what I saw and be corrected than to go on imagining something false.
Bueno suerte y bendiciones, mi amigo. May our lives be living art.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Uneventful Week
Ok two UftPMs in one week? Seriously people, this was supposed to be the uneventful week.
Who said this would be a normal week? What did I tell both of you? There is no normal on the Plotless Monster.
___
Is self destruction really worth the attention it gets you?
Not cool. Not professional. Not even safe! Did you make it home?
If you think drinking yourself to death has any benefits you’re wrong. If you think it’s impressive you’re even more wrong. It’s disgusting it’s the reason I don’t hang out with you. What would impress me more is if you played your show sober and never drank.
But I know why you do it. You do this because you need attention. You think your situation is terrible and that you’re being screwed. If you chose to see it that way no one can change your mind. I know people think I’m being screwed too. But I don’t chose to dwell there I don’t chose to see it that way. This is temporary I’m not stuck here till my dying day and I expect to use this as a bridge to more promising opportunities.
Everyone likes to complain here. I don’t think that’s the best atmosphere to live in but it’s what it is. You explode over some of the silliest shit. The notes they give you aren’t a personal attack. They are designed to keep their product consistent, quality control, and by taking it on like an attack you make it difficult for them to keep you. You aren’t worthless but you do need to look outside of yourself every once and awhile.
I bothered to say all this because I care. I realize you may be beyond reach that you may choose to see this as another thing attacking you. In the end I’d rather know I tried than not.
So why say this in a public way? Safety? I know eventually you will read this and when you do you will have time to think about it. I don't think it would be wise for me to "rescue" you. I don't have that power. But I do think it's important for you and other people to know what I think about this.
Who said this would be a normal week? What did I tell both of you? There is no normal on the Plotless Monster.
___
Is self destruction really worth the attention it gets you?
Not cool. Not professional. Not even safe! Did you make it home?
If you think drinking yourself to death has any benefits you’re wrong. If you think it’s impressive you’re even more wrong. It’s disgusting it’s the reason I don’t hang out with you. What would impress me more is if you played your show sober and never drank.
But I know why you do it. You do this because you need attention. You think your situation is terrible and that you’re being screwed. If you chose to see it that way no one can change your mind. I know people think I’m being screwed too. But I don’t chose to dwell there I don’t chose to see it that way. This is temporary I’m not stuck here till my dying day and I expect to use this as a bridge to more promising opportunities.
Everyone likes to complain here. I don’t think that’s the best atmosphere to live in but it’s what it is. You explode over some of the silliest shit. The notes they give you aren’t a personal attack. They are designed to keep their product consistent, quality control, and by taking it on like an attack you make it difficult for them to keep you. You aren’t worthless but you do need to look outside of yourself every once and awhile.
I bothered to say all this because I care. I realize you may be beyond reach that you may choose to see this as another thing attacking you. In the end I’d rather know I tried than not.
So why say this in a public way? Safety? I know eventually you will read this and when you do you will have time to think about it. I don't think it would be wise for me to "rescue" you. I don't have that power. But I do think it's important for you and other people to know what I think about this.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Women Don’t Have Magical Powers of Mind Control
Rant In: The skirt last night… OK honestly, I believe Vanity when she says she can’t fell that her skirt has ridden up. There’s a lot going on, she is wearing two pairs of tights, and since a skirt check wasn’t programed into her show some times it does whatever. Not saying she gets a free pass for not having a skirt check in there. I mean if I’m wearing a short tight skirt I check it constantly. My head and body are aware of each other. But give the woman a break! I’m sure, now that y’all’ve toughly embarrassed her, the skirt check is in now. You could have been a little more tactful about it.
As to modesty at large, because thinking of short skirts reminds me of all the Galmasaours Rexes at the clubs, it’s pathetic to be skanky but it’s repressive to be overly modest. Don’t think you can avoid sleazy men by hiding. They love to find you. In fact they take it as a sign that you’re insecure and therefore ruled by a victim mentality. That’s why “nice” girls get raped.
Dudes have a responsibility to control their thoughts and actions too. Don’t blame women for your failure. Because when it comes to sexual excesses it doesn’t matter to you what the vessel looks like as long as you get what you want. All I’m saying is don’t blame the vessel for your decision to abuse it. The abuse is your fault she didn’t make you do anything. Surprise! Women don’t have magical powers of mind control, you control your thoughts. Rant out!
As to modesty at large, because thinking of short skirts reminds me of all the Galmasaours Rexes at the clubs, it’s pathetic to be skanky but it’s repressive to be overly modest. Don’t think you can avoid sleazy men by hiding. They love to find you. In fact they take it as a sign that you’re insecure and therefore ruled by a victim mentality. That’s why “nice” girls get raped.
Dudes have a responsibility to control their thoughts and actions too. Don’t blame women for your failure. Because when it comes to sexual excesses it doesn’t matter to you what the vessel looks like as long as you get what you want. All I’m saying is don’t blame the vessel for your decision to abuse it. The abuse is your fault she didn’t make you do anything. Surprise! Women don’t have magical powers of mind control, you control your thoughts. Rant out!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
On Breake Downs
So Lord, did you give me a bipolar brother so I would know not to fear them?
Yeah, manic episodes are very intense. I’ve seen two personally. However both people are very responsible well-meaning individuals who would rather help you than harm you. In my brother’s case he said he’d rather take his meds and deal with the side effects than scare or hurt people. Look, none of us are strong enough to get through life without some sort of brake down. Most of us are lucky to have ours in privet. So my sympathies are with Jason Russell and his family, especially his family.
Those of you who have never lived through something like this have a lot to learn. If you are spreading hate over this embarrassment you should examine yourself wouldn’t you want some sympathy in a similar situation? If you disagree with his project fine criticize that but don’t discount him as a human. From what I know about psychotic breaks they happen in times of acute stress and as long as the individual is properly diagnosed and cared for nothing like it will happen again. I see this as a call to care for each other. Because if you really think about it all of us are a little bipolar it’s just the extremes we can’t handle.
___
Here's some resources:
medical definition of a psychotic break:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/A+psychotic+break
Warning signs of a disorder:
Yeah, manic episodes are very intense. I’ve seen two personally. However both people are very responsible well-meaning individuals who would rather help you than harm you. In my brother’s case he said he’d rather take his meds and deal with the side effects than scare or hurt people. Look, none of us are strong enough to get through life without some sort of brake down. Most of us are lucky to have ours in privet. So my sympathies are with Jason Russell and his family, especially his family.
Those of you who have never lived through something like this have a lot to learn. If you are spreading hate over this embarrassment you should examine yourself wouldn’t you want some sympathy in a similar situation? If you disagree with his project fine criticize that but don’t discount him as a human. From what I know about psychotic breaks they happen in times of acute stress and as long as the individual is properly diagnosed and cared for nothing like it will happen again. I see this as a call to care for each other. Because if you really think about it all of us are a little bipolar it’s just the extremes we can’t handle.
___
Here's some resources:
medical definition of a psychotic break:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/A+psychotic+break
Warning signs of a disorder:
Change in sleeping habits (too much or too little sleep)http://www.unccmh.org/clients-and-families/learn-about-mental-illness/a-family-guide/iii-what-are-psychotic-disorders/
Withdrawal from family and friends
Disorganized, hard-to-understand speech, or diminished verbal interaction with others
Lack of emotional response
Decreased motivation; inability to concentrate or focus
Exhibiting unusual behavior, hoarding objects, or wearing strange clothing
Suspiciousness or hostility
Having strange or unbelievable ideas, such as "My parents are poisoning my food."
Hallucination
Monday, March 12, 2012
March march March (otra ves)
Um, so maybe I've said some things last time that were a bit miss leading...the count down thing for instance. I am looking at my exit options you should always be doing that in this industry. I will be leaving at some point but can't tell you when that will be because the move depends on some other things getting worked out.
On the surface THEY weren't fair but I knew I was getting a bad deal from the beginning so really I have no right to complain. It would be my own fault if I don't communicate with THEM my wants.
On the whole, I think this is actually a good thing. After all I know I could use a brake to go do some other thing for a time. Here you guys get to take a brake then come back if you want. That's really cool. Now I'm kind of jealous.
It's all temporary.
On the surface THEY weren't fair but I knew I was getting a bad deal from the beginning so really I have no right to complain. It would be my own fault if I don't communicate with THEM my wants.
On the whole, I think this is actually a good thing. After all I know I could use a brake to go do some other thing for a time. Here you guys get to take a brake then come back if you want. That's really cool. Now I'm kind of jealous.
It's all temporary.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
March march March
Hey Wheezy El Boracho! You made it into the UftPM. I guess this means you can die happy.
THEY've broken up the band. I'm already upset. Now there will be complaining and whining and a free ranging angst below deck.
Thank God I'm adaptable or I'd be agnsty whinny too. I will do my best to support the grieving but you know I'm not the most comforting person I know.
I'm not surprised about the decision THEY made. However the very human logical part of me thinks it was badly handled from the beginning. Actually, to be honest, THEY haven't been fair with me either. This is why I know my next project will be very different. I can bide my time a little longer but the halfway point is well crossed. So, you could think of me in count down mode.
Que sera, sera or something.
Walking to my truck I was mistaken for a European again. Not sure why you needed to know that.
THEY've broken up the band. I'm already upset. Now there will be complaining and whining and a free ranging angst below deck.
Thank God I'm adaptable or I'd be agnsty whinny too. I will do my best to support the grieving but you know I'm not the most comforting person I know.
I'm not surprised about the decision THEY made. However the very human logical part of me thinks it was badly handled from the beginning. Actually, to be honest, THEY haven't been fair with me either. This is why I know my next project will be very different. I can bide my time a little longer but the halfway point is well crossed. So, you could think of me in count down mode.
Que sera, sera or something.
Walking to my truck I was mistaken for a European again. Not sure why you needed to know that.
Friday, March 9, 2012
030912
I love cereal! oh man, it's like the best thing that's happened to me tonight. I was all bummed out and hungry. Then I got bowl of cereal...ah.
I'm kind of paranoid too. A couple of people were tailgating me on the way home and I got mad because I thought they were following me. This is not a good sign.
I'm kind of paranoid too. A couple of people were tailgating me on the way home and I got mad because I thought they were following me. This is not a good sign.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
powerless in the face
Downtown is getting sketchy now that it's Spring. It's not the permanent bums that worry me it's the drifters, the ones that hold no place sacred. The ones who offer you pesos when you tell them you have no cash (because maybe you go to Mexico?). The ones who ask you to hang out with them before work or something. Dude, I'm not desperate. I'm not stupid.
The weather has been shifting round to the cold nights. I'm told I should have compassion for those who sleep in the cold. I mourn the circumstance but have no power.
Bearing in mind my powerlessness, I walk confident in the care of my God given friends and a protection that runs deeper than any other I know. I have been blessed to see clearly enough.
There are two deaths, two grieving families, tonight. One fare away one near. I am powerless in the face of the grieving. I who have known only temporary loss. What could I possibly do?
I think about purpose. I'd like to not think about it.
The weather has been shifting round to the cold nights. I'm told I should have compassion for those who sleep in the cold. I mourn the circumstance but have no power.
Bearing in mind my powerlessness, I walk confident in the care of my God given friends and a protection that runs deeper than any other I know. I have been blessed to see clearly enough.
There are two deaths, two grieving families, tonight. One fare away one near. I am powerless in the face of the grieving. I who have known only temporary loss. What could I possibly do?
I think about purpose. I'd like to not think about it.
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