I think I'm falling apart. Maybe feeling my age.
Some times I wonder why a lot of people seem to have developed their careers to a more advanced place by this age than I have. Then I remember that they have the maturity of a spoiled sixteen year-old and I feel less sorry for myself. Because really being able to calmly navigate tantrums is more valuable to me than money.
Not saying that the more advanced career thing wouldn't be nice. Lord knows, I'd like financial stability just as much as the next person. I'd like to be able to afford all those services that are supposed to make me a healthy well adjusted person. You know, spa packages, therapy sessions, exotic travel, whatever... now I'm making myself laugh.
Those are nice things but you know what? They are empty without friends, without family. I crave partnerships. What I need more than all the fancy recreational activities is a friend or two to lift the burden off me.
I suck at letting go. The older I get the harder it is to recover the less time I allow myself to rest. This is dangerous.
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I’m Wrong!
Of course I’m wrong! Let me be the first to tell you I’m wrong. I’m not magical. I make huge mistakes all the time I’m sure. One of my biggest failures is uninformed anxiety, fear. I want to see people thriving but I’m too afraid to get involve. I know I’m not the solution to their problem but that shouldn’t stop me from opening difficult conversations or at least asking follow up questions. Really I shouldn’t be so public with my messy thought process. But there it is.
They say I’m being broken. That’s right, arrogance, be pulverized dust in me. Too easily swayed too easily convince that my opinions are important or significant, I’m sorry, I’m wrong. Now don’t think I’m going to get all down and jump off a tall object over this. Through all my identity issues the one thing that I’ve known without any doubt is that I will never take my own life. Actually there are two things that keep me from ultimate despair, that knowledge and my complete faith in God. Yeah, I’m a Christian. My fear gets in the way of that too.
Most of us mean well but are incredibly ignorant about other people. So from my perspective something could look like a really big deal when it isn’t, or just the opposite it could seem to me to be insignificant when it isn’t. It’s so hard!
Back in 2006, right before I was laid off the first time, something happened that I should’ve asked more questions about at the time but really I was in a fog about it all. Man, you haven’t experienced the power of imagination until you get a phone call, seemingly out of the blue, from your supervisor asking if you’re going to kill yourself and should they fire you now or could you make it through the end of the run which is only in three days? Of course that upset me. Where had they gotten that idea? And yes, it’s the same them that I work for now. This is my third go with them. This time I won’t be fired.
I learned that it was a perception thing. They were seeing things that weren’t true. I had never learned what people should act like. I’m not an actor. I’m a very honest person and I don’t believe in hiding behind a mask of forced “happiness” just so people leave me alone or support some fiction that I’ve got everything under control. But I do understand now that most people can’t handle this well. They want to believe that I’ve got it all together and that my life is full of that quality they wish they had. Maybe my life is, I don’t know. What do people want anyway? I’ve never figured it out, not even for myself.
All that to say, I understand that I’m wrong, I knew from the beginning that I was more likely to be wrong than right. It was better to express what I saw and be corrected than to go on imagining something false.
Bueno suerte y bendiciones, mi amigo. May our lives be living art.
They say I’m being broken. That’s right, arrogance, be pulverized dust in me. Too easily swayed too easily convince that my opinions are important or significant, I’m sorry, I’m wrong. Now don’t think I’m going to get all down and jump off a tall object over this. Through all my identity issues the one thing that I’ve known without any doubt is that I will never take my own life. Actually there are two things that keep me from ultimate despair, that knowledge and my complete faith in God. Yeah, I’m a Christian. My fear gets in the way of that too.
Most of us mean well but are incredibly ignorant about other people. So from my perspective something could look like a really big deal when it isn’t, or just the opposite it could seem to me to be insignificant when it isn’t. It’s so hard!
Back in 2006, right before I was laid off the first time, something happened that I should’ve asked more questions about at the time but really I was in a fog about it all. Man, you haven’t experienced the power of imagination until you get a phone call, seemingly out of the blue, from your supervisor asking if you’re going to kill yourself and should they fire you now or could you make it through the end of the run which is only in three days? Of course that upset me. Where had they gotten that idea? And yes, it’s the same them that I work for now. This is my third go with them. This time I won’t be fired.
I learned that it was a perception thing. They were seeing things that weren’t true. I had never learned what people should act like. I’m not an actor. I’m a very honest person and I don’t believe in hiding behind a mask of forced “happiness” just so people leave me alone or support some fiction that I’ve got everything under control. But I do understand now that most people can’t handle this well. They want to believe that I’ve got it all together and that my life is full of that quality they wish they had. Maybe my life is, I don’t know. What do people want anyway? I’ve never figured it out, not even for myself.
All that to say, I understand that I’m wrong, I knew from the beginning that I was more likely to be wrong than right. It was better to express what I saw and be corrected than to go on imagining something false.
Bueno suerte y bendiciones, mi amigo. May our lives be living art.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Spaz, don't break my heart.
Spaz, don't break my heart. What you did to that girl who wronged you was ten thousand times more selfish and painful than what she did to you. You wouldn't understand you're a boy. Even men have a hard time with this.
I didn't tell you how sad that story made me. I know it would have made you feel awkward about something you don't want to feel anything about. You said you'd never do something like it again and that you don't regret it. In fact you say you're kind of proud of it. But in your insistence of not being ashamed I see how badly you do feel about it. Bad luck Kneeler reminded you of her.
Strange you choose to tell me about it. I'm a writer, you know it will come out. Nothing will stay hidden. How will you choose to confess your sins? Boldly as yourself or through another person? Which will bring you peace?
I didn't tell you how sad that story made me. I know it would have made you feel awkward about something you don't want to feel anything about. You said you'd never do something like it again and that you don't regret it. In fact you say you're kind of proud of it. But in your insistence of not being ashamed I see how badly you do feel about it. Bad luck Kneeler reminded you of her.
Strange you choose to tell me about it. I'm a writer, you know it will come out. Nothing will stay hidden. How will you choose to confess your sins? Boldly as yourself or through another person? Which will bring you peace?
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