I’m Wrong!

Of course I’m wrong! Let me be the first to tell you I’m wrong. I’m not magical. I make huge mistakes all the time I’m sure. One of my biggest failures is uninformed anxiety, fear. I want to see people thriving but I’m too afraid to get involve. I know I’m not the solution to their problem but that shouldn’t stop me from opening difficult conversations or at least asking follow up questions. Really I shouldn’t be so public with my messy thought process. But there it is.

They say I’m being broken. That’s right, arrogance, be pulverized dust in me. Too easily swayed too easily convince that my opinions are important or significant, I’m sorry, I’m wrong. Now don’t think I’m going to get all down and jump off a tall object over this. Through all my identity issues the one thing that I’ve known without any doubt is that I will never take my own life. Actually there are two things that keep me from ultimate despair, that knowledge and my complete faith in God. Yeah, I’m a Christian. My fear gets in the way of that too.

Most of us mean well but are incredibly ignorant about other people. So from my perspective something could look like a really big deal when it isn’t, or just the opposite it could seem to me to be insignificant when it isn’t. It’s so hard!

Back in 2006, right before I was laid off the first time, something happened that I should’ve asked more questions about at the time but really I was in a fog about it all. Man, you haven’t experienced the power of imagination until you get a phone call, seemingly out of the blue, from your supervisor asking if you’re going to kill yourself and should they fire you now or could you make it through the end of the run which is only in three days? Of course that upset me. Where had they gotten that idea? And yes, it’s the same them that I work for now. This is my third go with them. This time I won’t be fired.

I learned that it was a perception thing. They were seeing things that weren’t true. I had never learned what people should act like. I’m not an actor. I’m a very honest person and I don’t believe in hiding behind a mask of forced “happiness” just so people leave me alone or support some fiction that I’ve got everything under control. But I do understand now that most people can’t handle this well. They want to believe that I’ve got it all together and that my life is full of that quality they wish they had. Maybe my life is, I don’t know. What do people want anyway? I’ve never figured it out, not even for myself.

All that to say, I understand that I’m wrong, I knew from the beginning that I was more likely to be wrong than right. It was better to express what I saw and be corrected than to go on imagining something false.

Bueno suerte y bendiciones, mi amigo. May our lives be living art.