Today

It rained.

morning quote

Me: (whining)I don't want to go to work.

James: Well, I want to be a faerie. You know? Wings, Blessings (gestures with imaginary wand). An angel like that, actually that would be better more ferocious, more manly.

Me: Right.

More Flaialing Elbows

I never saw song as strong
as leaves
nor heard sweeter things
than whispering trees.

Flailing Elbows

I haven't thought of trees as such
as sentinels of future glut
wondering how they hold the gate
against the wrath of self-pulled fate



Why delay the inevitable? Speed it up! Run, run to meet it. Run!

On Writing

There is no more author.
"Defend that."
You think you are an author but what do you write?
"I? What do I write? You wouldn't exist if I didn't write."

Log 120210

LOG UPDATE: the mission has been extended. The crew, of necessity, will change. Please, God, don't have Jello take over for Spaz. I don't think that will work. I am stoked that Eness will be available for my project. That's a load off.

I'm going to have to watch Viking carefully. As Spaz said tonight, "There's a fine line between handing your cloths to someone and molesting them." How awkward will this get?

Long "privet conference." Not sure what's going on. The monitors have been "cutting out." So have tempers.

Testa was a pain. But that's normal now. Sad.

Sleep cures most. So I'll take some.

Where is this quote from?

"The demons strive against people who live in the world mainly through their external deeds, but in the case of monastics, mainly through their thoughts; for life in the desert cuts off many deeds. But just as it is easier to commit sin in thought than in deed, so also is the warfare conducted on the field of the thoughts more severe and difficult than the warfare over things and deeds. The mind, you see, is very easily moved and difficult to control when sinful fantasies approach it. Consider this. We were never commanded (in scripture) to pass the night in vigils or to fast severely; yet we were commanded to 'pray without ceasing.'"

Jupiter Surf

--EXCERPT

(One week latter. The kitchen is a mess EZEKIEL is sitting in a corner in a litter of bottles and chip bags. He sifts around a bit. There is a knock at the door.)

EZEKIEL
Move on.

(GRIZ opens the door)

GRIZ
God! Ezekiel, you in here?

EZEKIEL
No.

GRIZ
Are you okay?

(EZEKIEL just stairs blankly)

Man, your pulse is a little shaky. We should get you to a hospital.

EZEKIEL
I'manabesick.

GRIZ
You already are. Come on.

EZEKIEL
Why are you here?

GRIZ
It's okay. I came for Ingrid's laptop. We called but you didn't pick up.

EZEKIEL
Ha! Tell her he's gone. She doesn't need to worry.

GRIZ
Okay?

EZEKIEL
(making an effort) I shot him myself.

GRIZ
Right, look I'm going to talk to some people I know okay.

EZEKIEL
Whatever. When is she coming back?

GRIZ
I don't know.

--Lights down. Lights up GRIZ is gone. EZEKIEL is siting on the floor. A distent door bell rings all is still then a knock at the outside door.--

EZEKIEL
No walk ins, appointments only.

SHANE
(Knocking louder)Hey man! I ain't the Feds, open the door.

EZEKIEL
(mocking) Open the door. (mutters to himself as he gets up and opens the door revealing SHANE)Who are you?

SHANE
Um, see, my name is Shane and a friend of mine said I could maybe crash here?

EZEKIEL
What?

SHANE
Man, just like three days.

EZEKIEL
No.

SHANE
Come on dude, I don't like the street out here. Too dark.

EZEKIEL
What are you doing out here?

SHANE
I'm on my way to Frisco. Hitching. It's kind of indirect, no? Well don't worry. I won't eat your food 'k? 'Cause I got stuff right? I just want to borrow your couch. No problem. Or you know I could, like, cook or something sort of earn my keep you know?

EZEKIEL
Three days you said?

SHANE
Yeah, tops. I can bug out tomorrow and try the neighborhood if you hate me in the morning.

EZEKIEL
Okay.

SHANE
Thanks dude. Woah! When was the party, man?

EZEKIEL
Uh, no party. Just been lazy.

SHANE
Oh, cool. So, where's the couch?

EZEKIEL
Through there.

SHANE
Cool. Thanks.
(Comes back without his backpack watches EZEKIEL a moment before saying,) You got a cold house.

EZEKIEL
Built before central.

SHANE
No, man, like neglected. Tell me, did some one die recently? I don't like ghosts.

EZEKIEL
I don't think so. I shot my horse.

SHANE
That sucks.

EZEKIEL
Yeah.

SHANE
So, when do you eat dinner?

EZEKIEL
I don't know. Whenever.

SHANE
(Finding mostly empty cabinets) Do you have anything to eat around here?
--

About Three Years Ago

I was rushed by a dog today a German Shepherd of some sort very aggressive freaked me out luckily there was a guy working in a yard next to me with a pick ax. Still it was touch and go there for a bit. Me thinking,"don't make eye contact, don't move." Every time I moved the dog would freak out. So, I'm standing there thinking, "You can't touch me. I'm in my God bubble. Go away." All this time the guy with the pick ax is watching the dog and getting ready to kill it for me. Lord! I was glad when the thing calmed down and I could get away. I hate dogs.

Sunday Shorts

1. Winter is leaving the dark days are drawing to there respet of course.

2. "It looks like you're stabbing a cat while tickling it."

3. I'm afraid somethings terribly wrong with me. I thought about blood. I think I'm bleeding internally.

4. The Beast That Breathed Fire

5. Tell me what is true. I'm so waked out I'm liable to believe anything.

6. Tipping Muck

7. And why, God, should I not think of thee?

Trains

• Roller coasters are trains.
• Why not combine one with a commuter train?
• could be the coolest way to get from San Fransisco to Los Angeles
  • you could charge extra

Coming into Fresno prep for the free fall! "The conductor has turned on the restraint light. Please, buckle up or die!"

The Grapevine could be EPIC!

Just saying.

How to See What You Think of

(repeat the following until it means something)

Wot that wandering eye through frozen tundra dance
and second to the twilight's grace tripped the blades of grass
sharp as saucers slick as plates classy as cut glass
that wondering eye through tundra take the frozen dance.

slash slash grizzle pan butter on the ham.

This Dream is not a Nightmare

She had to go on for someone. As usual she felt no fear. She made up a lot of it. She didn't make any of her quick changes because she had a different actresses track "hardwired into her body" and the back stage was so baddly designed that she had to run through a restaurant to switch sides. Also, there was a class of preschool kids backstage who were very orderly but shouldn't've been there. She did remember streaking the restaurant at one point and that the kids back stage loved her and applauded. "May be their teacher told them to?" she thought. The strangest thing of all, there was no audience. Just peach and green curtains and folding chairs.

Two Linner

Lord, you are brutal to tech me forbearance like this. My tongue is bloody I've bitten it so much.

120906

For the third time I don't know
I don't know just don't know
You know?

Lord, what is this?
Why the weirdness again?
See, I had hoped it wouldn't impede me
Oh but how impeded I am today

one liner

Death thought of Kansas and chuckled.

Poem

The thought came to me on the stairs
It stayed there I moved on

Oh how lovely it
would be to hang out
under trees
and go questing or something
all fighting dragons
and drinking from flagons
drunk hallucinations
under trees
Christmas trees
some one remind me...

Meditation on a Hot Night

I'm seeing phantom people again. They hover just flashing on my impressionable conscious to the up of grind stone stride down turned gaze, dark with pale pinched faces garbed in voluminous night. Quick sear and gone. If I weren't a poet I wouldn't care. But I am and have passed to the absurdity of describing figments, arrangements, presented by my electro-impulses to my weary conscious.

The gap between function and experience is insurmountable. Sometimes I feel that my body is no more myself than the rubber duck I do not own. They will float happily together disregarding their relation to myself as I ponder their existence and my relation to them. I could do that for hours but at some point the body wants out of the bath.

Most amusingly are the arguments that occur between myself and inanimate objects. How is it they seem to me to have personality? Cantankerous machines reflecting their impassionate creators. The product speaks for the producer. My yarn is slipping out again. This hat is very strange and loud. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So, I'll give it to my mother. She will welcome all my mutant children as things of wounder.

You know it's funny we have three toilets and everyone gets cranky when one is plugged. We are spoiled. Living in the lap of luxury. In fact, it could be argued that three toilets is excessive. Actually, two is luxury, three is decadent and four is unnecessary. Yet I like my privet toilet. I was perturbed to break into the inner sanctum of other house hold members. Often I find myself most disturbed when someone uses my usual bathroom. I wonder at this emotion. It could be that I worry that things will be abused. Often people use my face cleanser as hand soap.

Now I confess that my battle against clutter is not going so well. This may be why things get misused.

It's summer sticky don't want to do much when one is sticky one sticks and that is uncomfortable. On the other hand sitting on ones ass all day is just as bad. I'm totally unmotivated. I only want to lay in front of the fan. Mmmm....yeah.

Death Remembered

Death remembered the days when people were introduced to him at an earlier age. Things were orderly and earned then. Daughters had nursed parents and siblings on to the Afterward. Now the same daughter would be absorbed into her greasy overfed face or taxing career. He was getting more neglected cases and that bothered him. He was almost glade for the miscarriages from such women.

Death is not a spectator like the cartoonist would have you think. He does actually care about how a person dies. And he doesn't carry around a scythe that would be too obvious. Occasionally he will wear a hoodie but that's as close as he gets to the hooded robe. He's rather charismatic. People always react to him.

Long Week

I'm very tiered. Last week was a very long week. I can't remember what my last post was about. We lost Launch to a serious injury. He will be out of commission for at least six months. Viking is replacing him. Jello was our temp. He got a little jealous when they all fawned over Viking because let's face it Viking is better suited for the job. Testa was nasty. All in all the transition went well. Though like I just said Testa was nasty. I don't know why. There's no real reason for it. As far as I can tell she wants attention (don't we all) but who's and why is beyond me.

I slept late today.

Gazelle and Viking have known each other a long time that explained their behavior.

I wish I didn't work with so many unhappy women. Nothing wrecks like an unhappy woman. I think there's a proverb about that. I always wondered about placing so much emphasis on happiness. I mean if you constantly ask yourself if your happy wouldn't that kill it. I think constantly assessing your own mood would make you miserable after all you only self examine if there's something wrong. If you expect the worst it will happen.

Testa believes her horoscope.

It doesn't really know her. How can the charts really predict anything it's all in the mind. they say something vague enough and then you fill in the details and it becomes true because you let it.

poop deck

this looks fine
all dry and crumbly
as you'd expect the scat to be
after seven days in the sun
we build cities out of it
and were prosperous
and happy
why are we disgusted now
by what is natural
by what only smells bad when fresh
if we are content to live in shit
we are content to live
if we insist on hiding it
we will always struggle.

WTF God?

This was one for the books. The first assignment went off routine. The second... was strange. Smurfet dislocated her shoulder right out the gate. Launch tore the masking and got his pants caught in the rafters. Spaz got a touch dehydrated and made a sloppy dismount at the end. It was the new ninja's first run. I'm fighting the virus everyone's passing around. It could have been a lot worse. Thank God and All That Is Good that it wasn't.

Spaz, don't break my heart.

Spaz, don't break my heart. What you did to that girl who wronged you was ten thousand times more selfish and painful than what she did to you. You wouldn't understand you're a boy. Even men have a hard time with this.

I didn't tell you how sad that story made me. I know it would have made you feel awkward about something you don't want to feel anything about. You said you'd never do something like it again and that you don't regret it. In fact you say you're kind of proud of it. But in your insistence of not being ashamed I see how badly you do feel about it. Bad luck Kneeler reminded you of her.

Strange you choose to tell me about it. I'm a writer, you know it will come out. Nothing will stay hidden. How will you choose to confess your sins? Boldly as yourself or through another person? Which will bring you peace?

090810

Slavish
Sexless
devotion
to you
Inconceivable!
yet true


A thing was welling up in me
a love a life a song some say
a furry beast without a name
a cutely thing called mmmmf
(or something similar)
it frightened me and my inner child
we band together just to say
strange thing go away
did it go is it gone
oh dear I seem to have fur on.

082410

I fully expected to have time to update this thing more...

It's a big ass ship. I have no down time. Excellent crew though. I'm partial to the boys because they are more open and communicative.

I have to go in early all this week.

Spaz is the best reason I show up. I've saved his ass so many times and every time was worth it.

I probably sleep the best out of all of them. I may be under a lot of pressure but at least I'm pre-adjusted to it. Yoga helps. So does talking to people off ship. It took me a long time to realize that maturity felt different from giddy youth. It's not bad just different.

When I was younger I thought I'd lead a very exciting sparkly innovative life and it would be awesome. Now I know that what looks like a sparkly innovative life feels dull on the inside. The ship is drudgery. We are all monkeys even smart ones.

9500

Doom approaches
my stable is unaccounted for
don't fancy me panicked
Smilax is avoiding me
how could I be anything but grateful
another time I will gripe

The good times come
they come in clumps of sugar
they dissolve in the rain
I am happy for the rain

Smilax is Angry

According to Jem; Smilax is angry that I'm Jem's ninja this job. Smilax does not metabolize disappointment well. I had a year to get over her shit she hasn't even stopped to realize she's broken. I'm not going to stoop. For our mutual benefit I hope she stays away from me. It saddens me how uncooperative and mean Smilax gets. The way she treats people just ignites my anger. There is no way for me to plan how I will react. The Boss will be very disappointed if I'm not careful with this.

So fare I'm on good terms with Mother Bear and I hope to keep it that way.

Boss, don't let Smilax's mind games get to me. We know what I tried to do for her. I tried to make her a better person. We know how she hurt me. Others know. Everyone knows she's unhinged. Hell, she even knows, but won't do anything about it. Help me look at her and feel nothing. At the very least let me say something on the lines of; "Thank you for making my life miserable for three years. That was fucking brilliant. I hope you have a nice day and if you'll excuse me I have work to do." There's no way to soften it she's already cast me as her nemesis. What did I do to get this? I was too honest. I tried to get through the dilution. Adversary has a strong little fort in that quarter.

071610

The water bottle has gone out of my ken along with the scissors the ones I had dedicated to paper. I'm quite lethargic with heat now the weather's turned a bit late this year. After the solstice we fry or broil. The solstice was a month ago. The out-of-towners were perplexed by the cloud cover but not vexed no fare from it. They come from the desert. Still this we have is damp heat. Completely different from the other kind. Both brutal, both cooking one way or the other. Frogs, we are frogs sitting in a kettle too lethargic to move.

I've found it difficult to choose a flavor for myself this season. At one time citrus and cream worked but I've outgrown the sugar. Craving cold and wet. This leaves me with water. But water is too simple you protest. At one time, before, I would have agreed and chosen what was expected of me. That was before the hard time. Before the deception was cracked.

You are yourself like no one. You needn't do or think or feel or say as any other. If you can't understand a trend then don't follow it. If you don't know what to do with the packaging then don't buy it. If it's going to cut you opening it is it really worth it?

No thing will make you happy. No purchase solve your problem. I can't find the water bottle no worries there are cups there are jars. I will drink deep of the water. I will be content.

For Now

For now I take what little runs across my path. Some day I hope to feed my village. To bring in the big protein. The protein is hard to get other villages horde so much of it my little band is afraid. We can't hold so much. We can't survive the way they do.

We've invented a thing we'll call it "religion" we'll use it to make sure we have some protein. In this system every one must share. MUST share.

Wouldn't you find it unjust to execute some one for being selfish? because you are so selfish yourself? No harm in it.

I'm going to take a nap. You won't wake me from it. When I get up I'll know everything. Everything I'll need to.

Mother Bear

061810
It's not. I protest. No clear reason to it
lay back you Advance I'll none of it tonight
shakily, sloppily argued through distemper
come again some other time ending in winter
why am I upright in my bed
I should be downright. Basitioned I think.

---

I've been called in by Mother Bear. Luckily this is Jem's turf and not Smilax. Expect reports soon. I really need to get up on my Kung-fu.

the bus

you're on the bus.

I'm on a bus?

yeah, gosh. don't you ever pay attention. you've been on the bus for two hours.

what! so wait, how do you get on a bus?

you're kidding. you f**king walk on.

do i just oh walk on! that makes sense now. this is a small bus.

yeah, just you on it.

letter to her self

My Dearest,

Remember how you thought everything would be settled by the time you turned twenty-five? You thought you'd have a career, maybe a husband and a cat.

Well, you're twenty-seven now, broke, jobless, practically homeless, unfocused no closer to a cat or career than the day you thought twenty-five was adult and settled. Since then, I think you were eight, you did get a degree and work for a while but you haven't had a steady job in a year and a half and you haven't even applied because you have no clue what you want. It's all very hard on you. You have a hard time understanding how other people figure out what they want. You've read some books about famous people and most of them know they want to be famous. You don't particularly want fame but are tormented by the thought of being unknown.

It's occurred to you to ask for help. All the advice you've gotten hasn't stuck it's generic and sounds like painful work. You are a creature who craves comfort.

By the way you've had very little contact with the "outside world" which makes the asking for help harder doesn't it?

040110

please dance quietly by my grave
its lonely
but wants to sleep

013110

Most Honored Crazy Professor,

To make the invisible visible is destroying the mystery of invisibility robbing it of it's power to mystify. Now to point to the invisible so that others feel it is a different matter and completely in the realm of possibility. Your quest to cognate all the invisible into existence is ambitious and foolish. the danger being that you set yourself up to be more intelligent than others find you to be or that you end up starting a cult. This cult would be a slave to your precious method. There is no way you can teach me to Think. You may teach me to document and analyze what I already think. But I prefer to go to a therapist for that. So, in conclusion, after weighing this out in my mind, I cannot work with Your Arrogance.

Most humble apologies,

ddd

She scratched him out and with every drag of the pen she thought of knives and how much pain she felt. The man at the intersection had yelled at her, called her a bitch, because he was afraid. Another set of cuts thin, stinging.

We all wonder about the armor and fortresses built around minds and extended to land and family. She could weep. She knew she was wounded. Eye for eye, it's unsustainable. If every eye were gouged out and every bitch returned in kind...

She went to his house and placed the plate of cookies by the door, rang the bell and ran. She ran from the pain, the misunderstanding, and the death.

011010

123009
I was persistently waiting
most like a hungry cat
shinny cap vegetative
there was nothing else
flopped around rigidly
not wanting to stay home
kicked at time spitefully
afraid to live alone
my time your time
dripping down periphery
shocking untouched nerves
unwashed parts
the desert calls it barren
how can you top that!