010713

feeling nostalgic for the freer days
nostalgia tastes like nougat
don't remind me of driving
driving only means more glare
glare is the look of disapproval
I've seen enough of that

Obviously, there's a systemic flaw that leads to abuses

Hello, it's been a while...

I think my soul threw up just now.

Just so much anger. At the injustice. At the colossal pride.

I'm walking in to the lion's den on Wednesday. If you're among the praying send one up for me. That the lion's mouth may be shut and that I may deliver the message that must be said.

I wish I could be more articulate about this but I have no words just anger at this point.

But let me show you this list:
why rob one show to feed another?
why demand my life for your silly nonsense?
why tell me you have a crisis when your own bad planing got you there and then expect me to save you?
why threaten me when I point out the obvious?
why tell me I'm ignorant when I know I'm not?
why ignore me when I ask for real help?
why assume you know my thoughts?
why assume you know what I've decided before I have a chance to talk to you?
why set me up to fail?
why pressure me into unhealthy situations?
why attack people who aren't present and therefore can't defend themselves?
why think that you have power over me just because you let me do a job for you?
why stone wall every suggestion for improvement?
why don't you listen?
why don't you tell me anything worth knowing?
why do I have to cultivate alternative networks to get operational information from you?
why don't you have a structure in place here?
why am I putting up with this?
what's the point?

The above list is the beginning of warping my head around the issue I will never understand. Obviously, there's a systemic flaw that leads to abuses. I'm not afraid, though I don't like being unemployed it won't kill me either.

Adventures in Medical Mystery

I visited a doctor, other than my mother, today. I know why they tell me my hip is fine. But of course they didn’t feel what’s been happening from my perspective. I grant the joint didn’t go totally out of socket but I’m pretty sure it went a little out. You just don’t get such a fundamental thunk otherwise. What I mean is when I “reset” it the severity of the pop was so deep and internal that I felt sick, and it shook the floor. My nerves were jacked up for weeks after the event. I couldn’t scamper about like I usually do. I’d get three steps into a run and just stop because there was pain.

The whole visit from appointment with the doc through x-ray took an hour. Which is pretty good, I guess, though I spent over half of that waiting. That means there wasn’t any time for the story to get properly told. So my few words could not convey the full sense of the feeling and so forth. When someone really listens to me I know they care. This is a problem I have with this country’s heath care system. It’s got the care squeezed out of it.

I expect the x-ray to be clean. So, I booked a message because, damn it, what else could I do?

first picture

Here's the deal, I'm the opposite of tiered today. This is strange. Two years of exhausted Sundays is a relief to lose. But the people, oh man, the people!

You've heard of missionaries, but do you know the half-missionaries?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I think this is the first picture I've posted on this blog.

exotic travel, whatever

I think I'm falling apart. Maybe feeling my age.

Some times I wonder why a lot of people seem to have developed their careers to a more advanced place by this age than I have. Then I remember that they have the maturity of a spoiled sixteen year-old and I feel less sorry for myself. Because really being able to calmly navigate tantrums is more valuable to me than money.

Not saying that the more advanced career thing wouldn't be nice. Lord knows, I'd like financial stability just as much as the next person. I'd like to be able to afford all those services that are supposed to make me a healthy well adjusted person. You know, spa packages, therapy sessions, exotic travel, whatever... now I'm making myself laugh.

Those are nice things but you know what? They are empty without friends, without family. I crave partnerships. What I need more than all the fancy recreational activities is a friend or two to lift the burden off me.

I suck at letting go. The older I get the harder it is to recover the less time I allow myself to rest. This is dangerous.