050906

Sex crazed cats are very unreasonable creatures. Trust me. I know. For tow nights in a row I have listened to the petitions of several tom cats. Now why animals that under nearly all circumstances lead quite lives should wake all larger animals around them with loud yammering that screams, "I'm in this spot and completely distracted" is beyond me. But then I'm human and let's face it humans are weird.

I must say Tuesday morning's dance with the little female was totally artsy-fartsy surreal like a dream but real so you're extra awake. It was three something. She was a young house cat. I think it's her first heat. The owners are going to be *thrilled*!

I wonder how they'd take finding a flier that said, "lost your orange female cat? No worries, she's knocked up! Congratulations, you'll have kittens." Yeah, that might not go over so well.

How long does it take for cats to have sex? Because I'm getting the feeling it can go on for days. I mean the whole ritual, foreplay to the after sex cigarette and coffee. I hope it's over with soon.

UftPM

Testa,

Retrospect is the best filter. You are wise to wait until you disembark to read this.

This is not the send off I was anticipating...

I've watched you struggle and work at cross-purpose to you success. I understand the desire to defend yourself. Most people do take advantage of you when they can. But at times you did become brutish. I don't think that's the person you'd rather be. You are strong and there can be grace in that.

May there be peace for you on your next ship.

UftPM

OK and for my hundredth post I bring you Excitement!

I know I just got done telling you that this is funny and it will be in about twenty-four hours... Testa, bless her, injured herself. It's very hard to leave this ship unmarked. Now my theory is that the injury was more mental than physical. Without getting to involved in the particulars I can tell you that she has a very strong mind. This can be used for good or evil. In this case it served fear more than confidence. My hope is that after she collects herself all will be well. I don't think she wants to give up so close to the end.

I've got to say, all the transition, chaos, turmoil we've been through has prepared us for many things. We've run this assignment through so many variations that nothing is impossible. The crew did very well even Sojurn (it was his second day at his post). Nothing died.

I do get a medal after all this, right? I've got to be a black belt fourth degree by now. Who keeps track of these things any way? Oh, right, me. I'm inventing a new level this one is above black it's the invisible belt. I'm so good I don't need the damn belt.

A Note About UtfPM

I have no control over what's in your heads.

Biting commentary aside, I'd like to remind you that my bias is toward peace. Not a weak oppressive peace but a strong one. All I have written was honest and out of my love of humanity. More of you are aware of me now and I feel the time is right to make explicit some assumptions about this project.

1.) This is not news
2.) This is not gossip (you do that so well on your own)
3.) This *is* funny

Because this isn't news you may be certain that not every event was covered. There were things that happened to some of you that were a big deal but didn't strike me as needing my commentary.

Because this isn't meant to be gossip you may find that the scandals you thought happened aren't mentioned. Either this is because they didn't happen or I don't think it fair to "kick 'em when they're down". Lord knows we all need a break at some point.

Because this is funny you should *not* take anything written here as a call to arms. I don't hate any of you. But I know you have colossal pride issues and take yourselves way WAY too seriously. (Yes, Jello, especially you.) I'm saying all this so you can get off your hobby-horse and enjoy the ridiculous that has been this ship.

Peace on all your undeserving heads.

030306

I watched the crowd gather
it was sickening to know that many are flirting with death
these skeletons wrapped in flesh
sculls stuffed and overstuffed with knowledge but no feeling
the woman in yellow was a child among them
I was sad to observe her ignored
I'm not grasping this show
it doesn't move me in any direction
but perhaps out.

UftPM

The monkeys were busy on the Plotless Monster. Over the "weekend" we've sacked Poptart Minion #3. She left a disorganized mess behind. And so instead of the simple two hour light house keeping it was my fortune to be ship side for six hours...

Remember I told you the ship took down Turbo? Well Meat Ball returns to take his place. (I know some of you will be *very* interested to know that)

Testa's last stand is over water bottles. Of course she is right they are dirty. Oh but aren't I and my crew doing enough? Would one of you people at least take it on yourself to wash dishes? Then maybe I'd be inclined to wipe your ass a little more gently.

If that weren't enough we launch Sojurn tomorrow. So far I've got this all straight in my mind but the time is approaching fast when I'll be useless in keeping this thing coherent.

On a personal note, I'm building a little boat the frame is nearly done. I'll need investors. Interested? Talk to me.

UftPM

"Thanks for calling me back!" Calling you back? This is my third attempt to reach you. You never called me. I've spent psychic energy trying to get through and stay positive. It would've been more appropriate to thank me for calling again. I was prepared to wadge a war of persistence. Trust me I can be very annoying. But you finally answered your phone and really I can't go off on this now because I don't want you to hang up. So, all I say is something like "great" and we get on with business. You have a team I am alone. I don't see how your crisis is any worse than mine.

Did you know we've lost Turbo to the ravages of Time? Long live Turbo.

This ship is hard on men. I fault the engineering.

UftPM

I think the moment FaGyver turned to Sojurn and said, "They want to know if you can go on tonight" was The moment I knew some thing special would happen tonight.

As fare as these things go nothing terrible happened. Jello got all weird at first but everything smoothed out after we actually ran the ship.

My favorite part was Satan dancing in tighty-whities as Freddy Crugar. I hope FaGyver got that on video because it will never happen again. Damn, I'm gonna miss him and Squirt.

UftPM

What am I thinking? Well, well? The longer I'm on this ship the stranger things get. Yet there are still many milestones of strangeness to pass. The strangest thing that could happen now is a month with out any transition. The soonest that could possibly happen will be August, the ships birthday. That in itself will make August strange.

Ohf, where to begin? Things have advanced rapidly. Rumor has it that I'm to take over a department. This is a delicate thing coming at an awkward time. Plainly, this is the expected decision after all the alternative is Smilax.

Caliban, otherwise known as Satan, is leaving us for Moose Nation. Testa is also leaving. She's to go to the same ship Spaz went to. That will be fun, I can imagine them telling "war stories" about us.

It seems that if we get through this complex of change the one in July will be easy. There is one major piece still missing from that though. THEY don't know who will replace Squirt after College Dress leaves. I will miss all of them they each taught me or at leas entertained me.

060611

Now for a bit of poetic nonsense:

staring at the grid
I do this for a living
draped corpse-like over the chair
wake me for the highlights
my eyes are burning holes through me
I'll tremble apart full of the dark stuff
in the name of light let me rest
stop
stop angering me

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight

they keep grumbling mutiny here
the mutiny will not manifest
the revolution will not broadcast
the status quo is firm
these tortilla chips are too good
we are slaves to the check that clears
stop
stop angering me

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight

all I want is love and pizza
you keep offering gin
empty words an awkward looks
I'm not your savior
I will let you fall

and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight
stop

I'll keep your secrets and lies
you can have my smile and the time of your life
and the Lion is tiered
yes the Lion is tiered tonight